Letting my Freak Flag Fly

He looks so normal...mostly.


The following is a list of things about me, that exclude me from being included in a conversation about normal people.

1. The other night I had a dream that Janeane Garofalo was pregnant with my child.
2. In the last 5 years out of 30 dreams I had, 20 of them involved vampires.
3. I have in my time talked, walked, and even done somersaults in my sleep.
   
4. I have played a war game wearing noting but Timberlands and a loin cloth.
   
5. I have crawled on my stomach through 30 yards of a bog.
   
6. Since I was a child I have not been able to control my laughter...and I sound like the Joker when I laugh.
   
7. If I was declared a saint or deity I would rule over obscure facts and information.
   
8. I could live my life by lessons from Star Wars.
   
9. As a child I could eat hot peppers whole without flinching (and I lived in Texas, these weren't citified peppers).
   
10. I would gladly shed everything I have and ride off into the woods on a Clydesdale with a Katana, a bow and arrows, leather clothes. First I'd kill a prominent politician and swing his head around (blood spraying on business dressed folks) and let out a guttoral roar. Then I'd say something cryptic like "Rosebud" and leave.
    
11. Capt. Morgan Spiced Rum and Colt .45 make me hurl.
    
12. I have split pints of Blackwatch Vodka and E&J Brandy on an empty stomach and felt fine.
    
13. Women in business attire and Tennis Shoes who look like they're going to lunch turn me on.
    
14. I once had a frog for 3 years. Once a year I thought it died but it continued living. I never named and then had the nerve to be sad when it died.
    
15. I can name 10 or more monsters that were in a movie with Godzilla.
    
16. When I was 3 my favorite song was "Mamma don't let your Babies Grow up to be Cowboys".
    
17. I wore Cowboy boots from 3 to 4. I lost them because I sealed one in a drum with an apple core and it molded over.
    
18. Before I was 3 I broke an ice machine, 2 toilets, 2 bar stools and other items larger than myself.
    
19. I once got my tongue stuck to the coils in a refrigerator...I watched a Christmas Story alot.
    
20. I used to run through the house with my head down and bang into the porch doors.
    
21. I never had an imaginary friend but I've talked to myself my entire life...I also have arguments with myself...outloud.
    
22. When I was little and afraid of the dark I thought I would be safe if I covered my head with the blankets and offered up my stuffed toy dog as a sacrifice.
    
23. Until after age 4 I could speak spanish and english equally well...now I can only greet, curse and ask if you want to sleep with me in any language other than english.
24. I used to practice my tagging and graffiti skills via my classwork as a result I don't remember how to write in cursive. My handwriting is a mix of tag and caligraphy.
25. I lived under the delusion that there was a vegtable called squish (little brother to squash) until I was 21 (Thanks Ma).
26. The only tennis I will buy are Adidas.
27. My food cravings will have me eating one thing for a month straight. (last time it was omelets with pepper jack cheese, portabella mushrooms, onions and red peppers)
28. I wrote recorded and performed a rhyme about breastfeeding.
29. I am adored by children and small animals but administrators don't like me.
30. College educated adults will read my name and then write it down totally misspelled.
31. I wait a month before going to see a movie so I can have 3 empty seats on either side of me.
32. If I didn't work with people I could go for days without speaking.
33. I was a ghost writer in elementary school but gave it up because I hated not getting credit.
34. The only movie montser that really scared me as Gremlins. Even if I was beating the hell out of one, stray spittle could produce more.
35. In middle school I was considered an Oreo (black on the outside, white inside). In High School people thought I had connects with the Jamaican Mafia.