Daddy wasn't there.........
Favorite T.V. father of all time...close second is Red Foreman...Dumbass!
I figure in the case study of my life I always have to look at the daddy relationship. I haven't spoken to my father in years. I haven't been in the same state as him since I was 3 or spoken to him in eight years.
I remember when I was elementary age he would call and talk to me every few months and send me things for some Christmas and birthdays. I used to think he looked like Mr. T back in the day. I remember the best gift he ever sent me being the bike I had until I got a ten speed (which didn't get much play). When I was young I didn't think much about him not being around because I would talk to him. Actually he didn't leave. See my mothers family is Bmore to the core. The only reason my fam lives on the east side is because they got tired of family stopping by all the time on foot (most of whom reside on the west side). So after High School my mother joined the Air Force and ended up in San Antonio, Texas (Andrews Air Force Base in Bexar [bear] county). This is where she met him and where I was born. They were only married for a few years and ended up divorced. Not long after my mother moved back to Baltimore with me and the saga began. Now for a child the year tends to drag until it hits birthday and x-mas. For me it was longer cause my birthday is Nov. 29th (Partially pissing me off...get rid of the Turkey and hold off on them decorations dammit, it's my birthday!!!). So as I child I looked forward to him sending me a gift. I remember in Elementary school he had called me and (I understand now) looking for validation from me. I was a child and wanted to ask about X-mas gifts. He got pissed off and hung up on me. Even now that I understand what he wanted, I know it was foolish to look for it in a child over the telephone. So eventually I hear from him again and I'm negotiating next gift. I was going to ask for some money...my mother asks how much and I say $100.00. She tells me to ask for $200.00 cause he'll only send me half of what I ask for. I got so mad with her! I thought how could she just write off my father like that. So I make the call and for some reason (she wasn't wrong before) I follow her advice. In the cop-out-I-don't-know-voice he explains that he can only send $100.00. Fucked me up. I hated that she was right about that. More important it was the first step in revealing a flawed man where I didn't have too strong of an image before. The only other significant contact was sending him a picture and he wrote me and said he was pissed that I didn't look like him. Years passed and I started hearing less and less from him. It didn't bother me as much at the time unless I actually thought about it. I was getting into girls, Hip-Hop, weed, and writing my name on walls. I will say it did bother me when I would catch say movies or shows that dealt with the subject matter. I always wondered how a man could not strive to know his first child and only son. The other thing that began to bother me was knowing, not so much that he was dealing with white women, but the fact that that's ALL he dealt with after my mother. My half sisters mother is white and the only other women he would bring up were too. I started getting this image of one of those guys who says shit like, "I just can't deal with black women...they're too demanding." So anyway time passes I graduate...without a call or anything. Now I'm at Morgan...(M.S.U.! I chilled under the bridge not on it), and I come home to a message asking me to call him at a specific time. I do and get no answer. The next day I come home to the same message and the note that he "didn't feel like being bothered". That pissed me off, but I tried again...same result. All in all I tried three times and what closed the deal was him leaving a message that "it was on me and he wouldn't try anymore". This was the first time that I remember cursing in front of my mother. "Fuck him, ma." I'm you're only son and that's what it comes down to? I figured I was 18 and moving to manhood...the lessons he should have taught me were too late. Besides he couldn't teach me much about keeping up with my responsibilities, could he? I believe that one shouldn't hold on to strong negative feelings, but I hate him. He represents something I can't stand. It would have been one thing to never know him at all, but to not try and reach out to me more? I'm you're only son...the extension of you, your legacy in the world. Because of this I could never leave a child in this world feeling about me how I feel about him. It would kill me to be apart from a child of mine. I'd be that guy in court fighting or getting dragged away cause a court order said I can't see my child. More important than that this is why I want a family. The weekend shit would kill me. I want to be there at the end of the day. I want to be one of those "big piece of chicken fathers" who says things like tell your mother the food was good. One of those fathers who is a used as a threat and one who suggests things you're not supposed to do and makes you keep quiet when your mother finds out. I can say that I wouldn't know what to do if my father would pop up one day. Would I starting cussing him out or just deck his ass. Maybe I'd cry...and then deck his ass. I can think of a lot of feelings but not as many words for him (there's that wiping people away again). All I know is I can't be him. I refuse to. I think the worse part about situations like this is I'll forever feel like something is missing. As if there is something I don't know about myself. I know shades of him reside in me, but I don't know him. On a lighter note I hope he doesn't go bald...I'd hate to have a bald spot in the middle of my locks.
posted by Amadeo at 9:31 AM
12 Comments:
Anhedonia, first of all, I think you have a good idea of what it takes to be a good father. Since my parents got divorced when I was 2, the only reason my father had as much time with me as he got was because my mother let him. The courts ordered that he could only see me every other Saturday, even though he had always been an excellent father, which goes to show that courts are stupid and just side with the mother, unless of course she's a crackhead or something, and even then it's a struggle. But my mother couldn't and wouldn't do that to me because she knew how much I loved him. Find yourself a good woman who, even if things don't work out between you two, will not take it out on the child. When the time comes to take the kid to ballet/little league/surfing classes, etc., volunteer as chauffer and take the kid to dinner afterwards. If ma can't take the baby to school, you do it. Make sure you help out as much as you can with the day-to-day, even if you have lots of beef with the mother, and make it seem like you're actually helping her out so she shuts up about it. Just some advice based on my experiences as a kid.
I'm very grateful for my dad. Unfortunately, my kids are going through a circumstance very similar to yours. Their dad is raising another woman's children and calls them, maybe, once a month. In my opinion, to disregard your children is one of the sickest forms of abuse.
Hats off to you for not letting it break your stride.
As far as that bald thing, I thought I read somewhere that male pattern baldness comes from the mother's side...don't quote me on that though. ;-P
yea dude the baldness comes from the mom's side which sucks cause my granddad was bald like a m.f lol
seriously though, i've never been in this situation but i feel your pain. at least you realize that because of what you've gone through you wont ever let that happen to any child of yours so thats a positive
Nice delivery man. Boy, this post hits home in so many ways, and unless you want my blog up in here, I'll spare you the details, but growing up my father was my hero. But after the divorce from my mother the man just disappeared for nearly 20 years. Suddenly emerging just months before my mother passed away.
Man, I gave him a hard time when he came back. I just.., you know what? I think he was shocked that my mother did a great job raising my brother and I. We were good men, no drugs, no drama, just good black men. A blow to his ego. We've made amends and the past is the past, but so much time was lost in between you know and you can never get them back.
It's too bad your dad didn't do those little special things to be a better father. But it obviously didn't affect you in the same way man. You aren't going to perpetuate that mentality when you have kids. Your love for your future child spoke volumes. What more can a woman ask for. Kudos.
My dad is at home all the time.
Unfortunately, he never talks to his children, because we are all blithely skipping down the path to hell with no intentions of turning back. Or something like that.
I can't decide if its better to have your father truly gone, or to ask him questions and not expect responses.
it's painful to know that there are a million stories in this world like yours AND MINE...the father who was not...the sperm donors who seemed to think so little of the miracle that flowed through their loins...
don't they know the value of life? did no one ever teach them of the great responsibility of molding an existence that began with a sweaty episode on a night that ended too soon? wasn't there something in their character that called out to them to be a man and step up to their responsibilities?
or is it that we are expecting something that too closely resembles perfection from hopelessly flawed individuals?
What a touching post. I don't think I've ever commented before, but I read your blog sometimes. Because you recognize what it takes to be a good father, I think you will be one.
Oh and that bridge at MSU brings back so many memories for me. I spend a summer there when I was back in high school. It was one of the best summers of my life.
will you marry me? No? Okay. I guess I'll just keep looking for someone to be as good to my future kids as you would want to be.
But seriously though, I appreciated that post. THank you for talking about it. I always hesitate to talk about it because I think either someone had it worse than me, or else they had it really great and can't relate.
WOW...Good post...I was talking about the same story with my friend the other day...I'll keep you posted
This is an excellent post. I struggle with my relationship with my father. I went from absolute fear as a child, to marginal fear as a young adult, to loathing as a young woman, resenting as a "grown-ass" woman to now just accepting that he is who he is. Sometimes I am ok with that...sometimes I am not - but I guess, in the end you just have to love what you got, in the best way you can.
Eesh. Father subject...we could all write a book.
This post is very deep. I can relate somewhat b/c my father was never apart of my life and now I have a son whose father is not apart of his life either. I dread the day when he will try to contact my son, which will be years too late. I'll just do my best in the mean time and make sure he has positive male role models. It kills me to know that I can't do anything about his yearning to know why his father didn't "feel like" dealing with him.
hm. this post moved me too, a lot, but not because similar things happened to me -no, my dad is one of the best and most important persons in my life so far (and makes it hard for me to find a good partner...by the way)- but because my big love was in the same situation. he still is and it is too sad to see what happened to him. I really admire you for bein upright and I understand the hatred but I think one day you'll have to come to a point in which you understand the psychology behind the behavior of your dad and if not forgive but at least understand him in a distanced way.
my big love went down, all the way with drugs and eventually got schiyophrenic. it hurt me too much to put it in words seeing him like this and how he blames all the time his circumstances and especially this dad whom he painted as a hero earlier and now has come to see as a complete asshole. his dad was on drugs too so it s even worse to see thie repitition....another very very good friend of mine was sexually abused by his dad, who treated his ma very bad who subsequently committed suicide. go figure the hatred.just recently he went and faced his dad, asking him unconvenient questions and realized that his dad is a complete loser. i talk a lot to this boy and he is so strong and upright despite all that shit it makes you wonder where this person has this strength from. his major and first aim in life is not to become like his dad. in no way. it scares the shit out of him to think there could be sth that will be repeated in his life too.....
but i figured that there are people who break and those who don't. but the hatred has to be dealt with in any case, one day.....and those who blame have to stop blaming and resume responsibility for themselves...
###sorry for writing so much, it just had such a big impact on me right now....
all the love and i love my future children too, already ;-))
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