Spilling My Guts

Crutball Tactics (I swear I'm really a good person...honest, ask my mama.)

I watched Goonies yesterday, one of my favorite movies of boyhood. When it came to the scene where the Fratellis threatened to put Chunks hand in the blender if he didn't "spill his guts" (he summarily told them every bad thing he had done in his whole life), I thought perhaps I should do the same. So here is a list of my most PussPuss Succubus moments. (PussPuss Succubus - Meaning the cruddiest you can be. Puss being a substance that appears amidst infection and Succubus a demon (female, but not for our purposes) that leads men to eternal damnation).


1) The Tack - In the sixth grade there was this guy in my class named Henry. Henry was the type of guy that people made fun of - alot. He had a speech impediment and eternally looked like his clothes weren't ironed and hair wasn't combed. Well one day I put a tack on his chair. He sat on it AND got in trouble for the noise he mad. I felt bad, one because I never used to do things like that, two because he got in trouble for being a victim and three we were two of the 4 black boys in that class (this one bothered me more later - Amadeo bringing another brother down- god damn).

2) The Punch - Growing up I lived with 5 females including my younger cousin shown here. Now despite the fact that she could cry on cue and got me into trouble many times I have commit crud against her. One day while (I didn't realize this til later) her mother was having a serious family meeting in the living room, we were in the kitchen with a younger female cousin. Tasha decides to teach our cousin how to fight. She's showing her some wild ass-please-beat-me-up-type swings. So I step in to correct the situation. I, by mistake, hit Tasha for real. She gets mad puts her head down and charges me. On reflex (I swear), I threw up my hands and gave her a straight jab to the forehead. The surprising thing is it hurt her more than me. She dropped her hands, stood straight up, started crying and walking away. I spent the next five minutes trying to occupy our younger cousin who tried to tell on me. Since there was a serious conversation going on no one would listen to her.

3) Student Government - I'll start by saying I don't feel bad about this. I was the Parlimentarian for the S.G.A. in High School. It was my job to keep order (which I didn't know til the end of the year). I was the lone source of disruption in ALL S.G.A. meetings. The true crud was that I used that position to cut school. We all had I.D. cards to show that we were in S.G.A. and my school used to do "hall sweeps". Basically they would close the gates and have administrators go through the halls suspending everyone who was out without a pass. I would walk through the herded suspendees, show my I.D. and say I'm doing an errand for S.G.A. Then I would promptly leave the building for the day.


(Top left corner lies the culprit- my locks were short, my crud was long.)

4) Hustle Kid. I have never given an account of my hustle man/criminal tactics, but I have plenty stories. For instance I sold Bidis, if you don't know bidis are tobacco wrapped in ebony leaf and if you never smoked one they give you a temendous buzz. These things cost a dollar a pack (twenty in a pack). Everyone didn't know about them and the word began to grow about these "weed sticks" that certain people had (I am legendary in Bmore for bidis and clove cigarettes). People started approaching me and offering to buy them at a dollar each and I obliged. I spent a $1 and made $19 per pack. I also cornered the market on Hall Passes. Since I was in the S.G.A. I spent alot of time in and out of the office and had access. I also came across some carbon paper and the signature of Ms. Kim (a Korean math teacher with a thick accent). I later refined my signature forging process but I got alot of people out of class for long time - for a fee of course.

5) The Prankcall. To friends of mine from around the way used to do prank calls. They were so good that they made up a voice and a character to go with it. Henry. They had henry beefing with 3 dudes and talking to 4 girls. Every know and again they would call me and get a number from me of someone I no longer gave a damn about to pull a prank on. One day I gave them the number of a guy in the next block I used to hang with. When we were even younger he had gotten arrested for antics in the local Bus Yard and his mother had kept him on lock since. So they call the guy and his mother picks up the phone. She explains that he is not there and "Henry's" response is, "Smoke up all my damn weed, alright have a good day." Needless to say dude's mother did not appreciate that.

6) The System. I was the Ultimate cheater. I have devised a system to cheat on every kind of test ever given in school. I have cheated on everything from a regular class assignment to a final exam. My current wingman will admit that I got him through several classes from 8th grade to graduation. Despite being a top student, I used my powers for evil. I would exploit a teachers weakness (one liked to talk about current events so whenever I didn't feel like doing work I would bring up something from the news and get her to talk through the entire class). I even did not complete my final exam for accounting, spent the time helping others and still passed with a grade in the upper 90's. I was smart, but I conned more teachers into passing me than a little bit. I practiced my tagging skills via my classwork and even if teachers didn't understand it they passed me and left notes like "write clearer". B.T.W. for all school age people look out for my upcoming book "Beating the System: The Amadeo Way. I'm currently working on a version for post-school life.

7) Sex. I will note that I feel bad about this. The summer after I graduated I went crazy with the ladies. I don't know about all men, but I got the baton and ran with it. That is the period of my life in which I had them most sex with the most women (most of them were older) in the shortest span of time. I'm talking working one this week and starting another the next week. I literally had a 5 day turn around time. Anyway, what I had never had was an actual "girlfriend". We either talked or had sex. This sister becomes interested in me and people let me know. I pursue, I win her over, I have sex with her - I promptly lose all interest. The problem was I did not expect it! I tried to avoid her for a while until she approached me and told me what the deal was. I tried to deny and say I had been busy, but she was wiser than I. I had not been in that situation yet and didn't check my intentions vs. hers and that created a bad situation. This was how I learned to check myself before stepping into something.

8) Slick Time. I have taken sick days over the course of my employment. Honestly I don't think I have ever been sick for any of them. I have been sick of work and ironically I have come to work on most of the days that I was actually sick. I don't feel bad about this, it is kind of cruddy though.

9) Conferences. For my job I have had to attend several conferences and I will say this - Adults who work with young people are some of the most horny people I have come across. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, well for this brand what happens in (fill in the blank) stays in (fill in the blank). I will say I did not take advantage of all of the opportunities I had on these trips, which may have been a mistake, but I did lush out on all of them. In Leesburg I got to know all of the bartenders personally and had an unspecified number of drinks everynight. In Dallas, my sink turned into a bar and I had people in my room everynight. If someone looked tired the next day, they had probably been in my room. I am the corruptor. My reason for not sleeping with anyone in Dallas was a result of principle. The girl that was trying to go was married and I couldn't do that....O.K. I did drunk dial another sister who I knew was down, but she was either sleep or I had the wrong room.

10) Giving Back. So perhaps you have read this and know all about my tale of unrequited love. As time passes I feel like what I did with the last sister in this post was jive cruddy. Yes she did have a boyfriend. Yes I felt shitty about the whole thing. I think I knew that when I went to give her back her letter and the necklace she gave me that her boyfriend would be there and it would cause drama. At the time I didn't care in the least. I know that deep down that wasn't what I really wanted to happen. The worst part is I really couldn't give up the letter. This is the first time I admit this but I have a every letter ever given to me by a woman. I made a copy of hers and I have it to this day. I tell myself that when I feel like I'm going to be with someone for real, for real - that I'll burn the stack. I know that this was a cruddy thing I did with her, especially considering that I only really gave it back for effect. I have never done anything like that since and would be embarrased to do it again.