Dreams to Remember

"Nobody knows what I feel inside, all I know was I walked away and cried..."
Otis Redding

First I'll try not be too amused that I had a dream the feelings of which make me think about this song by Mr. Redding. I always did love that song. It's one of the consumate damn that hurts, but I gotta go on anyway.

I dreamt about the person that made me feel like that last night. It appeals to my sick sense of humor that she is the woman who I never was with. I think "unrequited love" is one of the worse feelings. You can't say you squandered the situation cause it was something that was only on the brink of happening. The other thing is in a way it's harder to resolve as that sense of "what if?" tends to linger a little longer.

I was inside of a building on St. Paul in the midst of some sort of preparations, I do remember it was a good day. I felt like I was in living at the time and that things were on my horizon. I was wearing one of my favorite sweaters and the winter vest I love to rock cause of how the colors accent each other. I'm a sucker for earth tones. Then I started to get hot so I took off my sweater and threw my vest back on. It was cold outside and my arms were bare, but I didn't feel it, when the wind blew I just ignored it. Then I saw her pull up in her car. I was trying to be cool and time my walk so that I could meet her and not seem like I was sitting and waiting. She looked beautiful. She hugged me without a second thought and it felt good. I remembered the ease with which they used to come and I started to feel cold. As we went caught up with each other I put my sweater back on...all of the sudden it seemed silly to have taken it off. Then she dropped the unexpected on me. "I got married last night." I didn't know what to say, at all. I tried to congratulate her, but I couldn't. I wanted to ask about him but that's not what I wanted to know. I was at a loss for words. She asked me what if something happens down the road, what if they break up. I got choked up as I told her that I things like that seem to have been the problem. There was always something in the way. We ran hot and cold and I was never sure where I stood. How could I invest myself in something I'm unsure of. I was getting upset that I was so sad. I even felt on the verge of tears and that pissed me off more. I said I can't live for that tomorrow when this is what has happened today. I pulled her close to me so she couldn't see the sadness in my face. I said you know I always wanted you and I always cared, but how can I exist in such a state? What kind of man would I be? I do care but I can't sit and wait on a what if. The she pulled away from me, looked me in my eyes and said,"Well, my bop will be harder than yours." I got a little mad and I thought to myself, my bop is pretty damn cool and people know that.