Tainted

"All I want for Christmas is booze."

I have an issue with just about every holiday. Sometimes justified, sometimes selfish, regardless there are issues. Come tip-toe through the disfunction.

Christmas - Alright I have some historical and factual issues with Christmas, but the biggest problem I had was Santa Claus. See, being that I lived in a relative "hood" I had a lot of questions...
1) We don't have a chimney so how does he get in?
He comes in through the Keyhole.
2) Where do the Reindeer go?
They park in the alley.
3) Is Santa Black or White?
Depends on the family.
4) Then what's up with those presents in the closet?
Shut up and go to bed.


My main problem with Santa Claus was the fact that despite how good I was, I didn't always get everything I wanted. The issue with this was the fact that I understood when my mother would say that she couldn't afford to buy me something but, Santa was magic right? Why wouldn't he get me what I wanted? Eventually I found out that there was no Santa Claus and this is where my it fell apart. I felt like crap...all that time my mother was buying me all these toys and I know she was scraping and just making it, yet I had been complaining about not getting what I wanted. She should have been getting all the thanks and praise, but I was pissed at some fat man who dressed like a Biohazard trash bag cause I didn't get all that I wanted. I would have never felt like that had I known she was providing my gifts. At that point I swore that I could never tell my children that lie. I don't want them to be the ones that ruin Christmas for their classmates, but I can't lie to them.






Thanksgiving- Perhaps I should pre-empt this by saying that my birthday is Nov. 29th, this means that I'm usually a few days after Thanksgiving. Just consider trying to celebrate when everyone is still in a Tryptophan induced coma from left-over turkey sandwiches. Plus people have just come over for a holiday so they tend to forget that my birthday is coming up. Add to this that my Grandmother's birthday is the 27th and it's easy for me to be forgotten about by family in general. Now I like it cause I don't care as much if people remember my birthday and it's a sure good meal. My other problem was that I noticed how hard Christmas got marketed. Before we could thaw out the turkey people were already on to Christmas. I used to want to yell at advertising firms, "Calm down and take it one holiday at a time." I mean give people some time to eat their turkey and praise the day of my birth before we start showing It's a Wonderful Life.




July 4th - My issue as a child was my family didn't want me playing with fireworks. My issue now is that people set of fireworks from May until the end of July. Alllllllll damnnnnnnnn nighttttttttt. I want to run outside and shove all their firecrackers into an undisclosed location and light them. I'm sure I'd be able to sleep over the sounds of pain. I did used to enjoy going to the harbor for the Fireworks display. I wouldn't watch them though. I'd watch people set off firecrackers and get pulled out and locked up by the cops. Good times. I think next year I'll get a Air rifle and a directional mic to deal with all those who want to use up their goods after midnight. The directional mic is so I'm sure to hear the results of my shot.



Halloween- Besides that fact that Micheal Jackson's situation has ruined Thriller for me. I NEVER got to trick or treat. See, my grandmother watched the news alot and the whole poison candy thing ruined it for me. This is also the reason why I never had a Starter Jacket...she was nervous when I got a leather. Now the other thing that compounded this was the fact that because of this she didn't want to give out candy either so we became "that" house on Halloween. If only to pour salt in my wounds by the time I was old enought to not want to dress up or trick or treat...they wanted to give out candy and they wanted me to do it. I damn near had a fit when those words were first spoken. "You want me to WHAT?!?!?!" Let's just say that while I'm a polite son and grandson this episode did not last long. That's like asking a Death Row inmate to give a stand-up comedy performance. I'll tell you this those first few Tricker Treaters got real lucky cause I was tossing away candy like a senators son at a strip club.

Damn Holidays.