OUT

I went out last night to a poetry spot that I had never been to before. I gotta say, it felt alright. Perhaps I'm no longer suffering from anhedonia, perhaps all the people there just didn't know me. Of course there were some poets and performers that I knew but not the "crowd". I grew quite tired of the sense of familiarity that a lot of people felt they had with me. It got to the point that no matter what I did everyone loved it and I hate that. I need a measuring stick sometimes and when people treat you like a brand name (everything you produce is good...cause it's you) you can't get that measure. I started to feel like if I got on stage and just said "Yadda yadda yadda" for 3 mins people would just think it was artisitic. I want people to demand content. I can't stand a complacent audience. I used to joke that the next time a performer asks the crowd if it's alright for them to do something, someone would shout "hell no". Audiences around the world demand more. The other good thing about not going out for a moment is that now there are women I don't recognize. I usually imagine that whatever you do with someone they've already done with others...several times, however, it's akward when you personally know those others. No matter what anyone thinks, Baltimore is a small town. It's hard to find large groups of people who are not associated with those you know. The good thing is I can get info on just about anyone. If you attend a spot on the reg or I can find out what street you live or grew up on I can get info. I can't front it makes me feel like a cool movie character. Well I am a cool...character.