6.08.2005

Rétrospectif


Is that dirt on my shoulder?


So as a person who likes to think things through I have been reviewing my life so far. I do this every 6 months. This time it has been initiated by my cousins' (The gentleman in the blue suit) impending marriage. I then realized that my other cousin (in the middle) has two children. I find my self (as in the picture) looking over my shoulder like - what the hell happened? I am not old yet I can no longer be recognized as young as I feel. For some reason I hear Tyler Durden talking about feeling like a 30 year old boy. One getting married and the other has kids. Here is a list of my top 10 regrets.

10) I wish I had punched a few more people. It sounds like a violent indulgence...but I was often a target and in retrospect I would have been better served clocking some of those assholes.

9) I don't know how to play the guitar. I wish my mother had at least forced me to learn the piano or something. I can still learn but by now I would have been good already. I probably would be the Bob Dylan type...not a great voice but dope lyrics and music.

8) I never had a High School Sweetheart. Too late to do anything about this...well I could but there is the whole jailbait thing and it only counts if we're both in school at the time. If I knew then what I know now...I might be a father, I think I can get over this one. Besides I did go crazy after the prom.

7) I should have got a car at an auction. This may seem superficial but a brother is ready to own a house and car payments suck. I often add up the money I would have if I had bought something for a couple G's. Luckily next August I can dump this and do what I should have done from jump. The 69' Mustang is not as close as I want it to be.

6) I wish I had found a tax lien property instead of moving to where I am. Once again never rent from family. Especially people who remember you as a child, they tend to not add up your current age and don't listen when you tell them things. Thank God my mother isn't like that.

5) I have never been in a relationship for longer than 6 months. While there is no one in my sordid past that I would wish to go back and "try again" with, it does seem crazy that I've been subscribed to magazines longer than I've been with a women. I've flirted for longer than that. I've had flings longer than that. I'll do better next time.

4) I should have gotten to know my grandfather better. He died when I was in the third grade so I wasn't thinking on these terms then. However, we were the only men in the house. Growing up with 5 women, most of whom who have been divorced isn't the ideal situation for a young man. I wish I could have got some advice or something from him. The only thing I do have is a tie of his...needless to say styles change and the last time I wore it I had to refrain from cussing someone out.

3) I wish I had hung out more around the way. I avoided cats for a while cause I didn't like what was happening to them, however, they were my friends and now several of them are not around. I feel like a black man losing friends and I wish I had spent more time with them.

2) I have not at this point told my father how dissapointed in him I am. There is still time to do this, especially thanks to zabasearch. I want to let him know that it's fucked up that a man wouldn't try to be involved in the life of his first child and only son, because of him I will never let a child feel about me the ways I've felt about him. I'd also like to deck him once, hopefully he'll know I did it from hurt more than anger. I can't help but think about Luke and Vader, I won't be a Jedi until I can face him. Pardon me...I need a Daddy tissue.

1) I have never been in love. Yes I'm sappy. I have felt like I loved someone and perhaps someone loved me but I have never been in love with someone. There is no person that I would want to track down and start over with. It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. I ponder this constantly. Would I be bitter had I lost and would that be better than just never feeling like someone really wanted me...not the pic me or the onstage me but the me, me. I consider love when you direct your energy to helping someone become the best "them" that they can be, without wanting anything in return including the good feeling of having helped someone. Perhaps no one has been in love like this, save for mothers and children. At this point I can only remember things I hated about people, for once it would be nice to think of someone and remember a good feeling.

9 Comments:

Blogger Mala said...

Never fear, it's all a work in progress... U-haul & Jello. Stranger things have happened.

9:25 AM  
Blogger Nikki said...

Awwwww, I'll teach you how to play guitar. And it's not to late to fall in love. Maybe the fact that you don't stay in relationships long has added to that, but your day will come.

11:38 AM  
Blogger Goldi said...

First Kaiser Soze, now Tyler Durden <--- I was going to use that reference in a future post!

#1. When it's over, that's when I fall in love again... (Sugar Ray) that sums up my love life in a nutshell. Bro true unconditional love makes ya stupid - BE THANKFUL.

All of your laments will change once you become a Jedi. I feel ya.

11:42 AM  
Blogger Jdid said...

I hear you loud and clear, I have so many things that I wish I had done or done differently too.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Beloved said...

Really liked this post. I could related. Getting ready to turn 30 this year has made me more introspective.

2:54 PM  
Blogger wannabe_ceo said...

Seems like it's impossible to go through life without any regrets, unless you live hard and die young.

5:48 PM  
Blogger Kewi said...

"There is one truism in life... when that Jones comes down it is going to be a motherfucker"... LOVE JONES

10:49 PM  
Blogger Luke Cage said...

Hey brah. You went to the bottom of the ocean with this one man. #10 was funny..I can relate, as I can to #'s 8 and # 4 (very nice touch by the way). And the whole thing ended on a sentence that I can say that I've thought to myself many times. But eventually, I do find someone who I can say something good about.

6:37 AM  
Blogger Gunner Kaufman said...

Aint a fan of love, unless its genetic..but i do feel "AYN RANDS" definition fo love..check it out...in a nutshell...
"WHile i love you enough to die for you...i will not live for you"

1:44 PM  

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