Sex , Truth & No Commitment
I have had a wonderous (and not so) array of women who have breezed up to spin me around in my day. Some were like fun rides, some just made me sick, others left impressions. There have been people from out of state, a married woman (I didn't know!), some from other countries, and a nice percentage who seemed like they may have been from an alternate plane of reality. I sometimes can't even remember all of them, which is crazy. I mean I've been with women but I never imagined myself as a player or something of that nature. I guess everyone does this perhaps. I'm not sure where to start so I'll run with those that stand out.
Franora -
I met Fran while she worked at the CVS that opened up the street from me. I actually used to flirt with all the girls in the store...it's not on purpose, I often times find myself talking to someone and realize 2 minutes late that I was actually flirting. Fran was about 2 years older than me and from Rocky Mt. North(?) Carolina. She was a pretty cool person. She made me comfortable because I never dumbed down my conversations and she would always show interest. Anyway Fran had come to Baltimore to get away from an ex and spend the summer with her sister and nephew. She was pretty impressed by me. Most older women were at that age...until I had facial hair I always looked young and seemed extremely mature. Now people think I'm over 30 which is not as good. Fran was a breath of fresh air at that point. Perhaps it was just her persona or maybe because she was not from here. I spent a relatively small portion of the summer with Fran but I did enjoy the time we spent together. We made love one afternoon right before she had to return home (she had us take a bath beforehand she said to "purify ourselves - may seem corny but I dug it). This was a pretty "pure" time. I can't say that about everyone I've dealt with but I'm glad I can say it about her.
Kelly -
Kelly is one of like four girls that I meet through a girl who was friends with a girl I went to high school with (I know, I know - but that's exactly what it was like). Kelly was from Seattle and had done much more experimenting with certain things than I (like acid and so on). She didn't get along with everyone around our way because she spoke proper so they said "She talk white". However, the things people in the neighborhood didn't like was what helped us get along. To help you understand if you ever saw "The Corner" on HBO that area was a street up from where she lived and a couple blocks from my street. HOOD. She listened to rock and I couldn't find anyone else around there that even wanted to tolerate it being on much less listen. We were pretty cool but we did have a beef that caused us to not speak for a minute. I was supposed to meet her in front of her grandparents house and we had never seen each other. I go with my man who lived at the end of her street. On the way I pass a group of girls who get quite and look at us, get to the address and no one is there. My man convinces me to indulge in an undisclosed activity and we bounce. She calls all mad and says I embarrassed her in front of those people and yadda yadda. I eventually get her to calm down and realize she wasn't where she said she would be and it's hard to assume she was in the group of girls I passed cause in the summer people in Baltimore come out and sit on their steps - that's what we do. We patch things up and eventually we get up - sex. Then this is where I mess up. She calls me and wants to talk about "what happened the other night". I am learning to define things at this point, but unfortunatley I hadn't learned to make my intentions clear. My response - in question form- is "what DID happen the other night". She takes it as a brush off and gets mad, hangs up. I eventually ran into her some time down the line and she is no longer pissed but honestly I don't know what happened after that. I know we were cool and we spoke a taste but I don't remember how we lost contact again...sad huh?
Seven/ Ariel -
This one is a candidate for Ms. Alternate plane of reality. It was hilarious how I meet her. We used to go to D.C. often and knew people at alot of those spots (I make it a point to meet and know doormen and hosts for events - free entry kicks ass!) I'm at Bar Nun one night and this girl is in the midst of other familiars she starts talking to me and my friend Kwofi (re: A.Slim Dictionary - Frontor) immediatley tries to talk to her. She is ignoring him, paying attention to me and he continues trying, which was the asshole move but her complete obliviousness to him made it so entertaining to me. I wasn't initially as interested but his "fuck-O"(love that word) status made me pursue. We hook up and she comes to B'more, I go to D.C. so on and so forth. This was after I had made a mistake (kelly et. al.) and vowed to be honest with all the women I meet. I told this girl because of my mind state and where I was I did not want to be in a relationship. We could get together, we could chill, we could get carried away, but we would NOT (I said this many times) BE TOGETHER, no coupledom. She must not have believed me. It came to some what of a head when she tried to kiss me one day and I would not let her. See, I believe that sex and love are not one and the same. It is the ideal situation to be having sex with a person you love, but having sex doesn't denote love. - I actually think the association is pretty crude on the part of people. Sex and arousal is provoked by natural chemical reactions, love is something more spiritual and I refuse to confuse the two. I also associate the intimacy of kissing with being in a relationship. If you ever see me kissing or holding hands with a female; you know that is my girl. I won't do those things with just anyone. If you wonder why I draw the line at kissing and not sex, you weren't paying attention just now. Anyway (tangent-boy, tangent-boy) she tries to kiss me one day and I wouldn't let her I explained once again that I only do that with someone I am committed to. She acutally forced herself at me and I had to mush her to prevent her from kissing me (and they say only men make unwanted advances). If you are not familar with the mush: imagine my hand over her face with her lips protruding from between my thumb and fore-finger as I hold her at bay. Kinda sad. But I've found that some people won't take you for the value of your word and I guess she felt if we were sleeping with each other than everything else would fall into place. Not my way of thinking. Didn't stay around her after that.
Crystal -
This one has become a rumor about me and she also intersects with another that was in my life. Crystal is one of the few that was younger than me. I laugh about her because my man's roommate had a crush on her and neither he or she would admit it. Let me just say I don't ride from the county to the city to pick up a girl (who lives in the same county) from anywhere (especially some dudes house) at 10:00 in the morning on the spur of the moment. I know the symptoms of a crush and he had it. Anyway this did not last long. At the time I was always hanging out and she would frequent the same spots, which is how we met. Anyway we slept together and the next week I'm at the spot and here she comes in with a date. I wasn't mad I just said o.k. if that's what the deal is...I move on. For some reason she did not perceive that it might seem curious that she would show up with a date a couple days after we've been together at a spot where all my friends and several mutual acquaintances hang. I don't know what her mind state was but she basically took it as I hit and ran, never calling again. In my world if you sleep with a person and then go on a date with another...there must not have been anything beyond momentary physical desire. She must not think this way. I have since heard that people asked about why I would sleep with her and "dog" her out. I never bothered to address it cause first of all, I don't like people in my personal life and secondly she never examined the situation cause she saw me that night. A night I will go into more detail about shortly.
Yodit -
This one left an impression. The only girl I really had strong feelings for but never kissed or slept with. I think at the most I held her hand...once, and I was nervous like a young boy. Yodit was an Eritrean girl ( I really have a thing for foreign women). I meet her one night at a poetry event. Once again a guy I know was trying to talk to her, but I guess we chose each other that night. Anyway I find out that she is under 18. I wasn't that old but I was over and I don't like that disparity. Yodit was so cool thought I'll just know her and perhaps someday something will come about. She was my homegirl, she and Yummi girlfriend # 2 were the only people that came to the house me and my man (yummi's brother) were living at at that time. It was dead in the middle of the hood, across from a dope strip. It was so bad the second person who died on New Years of 2000 did so in front of our house...literally. The problem with Yodit at that time (besides her age) was her heritage. Everyone may not be aware of this, I've learned this from her and my friend from Nigeria, all Africans do not like Black americans. Her father referred to us as niggers. But anytime it was known that I was on the phone it was a problem. I thought it may have been my age at one point. Later I learned that if it was known she was going to see me she had to be home at a certain time. On the other hand if she went to D.C. and chilled with a bunch of Eritreans (guys and girls) she could stay all weekend. Just because they were Eritreans. Just because I was "american". I don't even like to call myself american (U.S.G. citizen). Anyway...time goes on. She even had a boyfriend during this period, which didn't bother me because I knew I wouldn't touch her until she was a little older. She is finally older, we're getting together, she's coming to the spots that I'm at. EVERYONE knows US. To this day people still think she is my girl and the funny thing is she's the one I never got to be with. During this time we're talking and I'm realizing that the passage of time has only made me feel more for her. This is the same time as my dealings with Crystal and I must mention that only happened because despite my feelings I was unsure if Yodit took me for anything more than a friend. This is where worlds start to collide. I'm at the spot a couple weeks after the Crystal incident and Yodit calls to see where I am and says she's coming through. Cool. So, of course, Crystal comes in to - with the same date as before I might add. On top of all of this there is another girl I know in the place flirting with me. Me and Yodit start chilling, I get on the open mic and have a few dances. On one of my "lord of the dance" excursions Crystal starts dancing with me, grinding her ass all into my - what's the proper word- Fuck Stick (I just watched Bad Santa, pardon me). So due to what has recently happened I'm not feeling this and I step to the bar for a drink. Yodit comes up and we start kicking it and she mentions that some girl is mugging her (y'know - looking aggressivley). Then she says there she is - I look up and of course it's Crystal. Meanwhile the other flirter is like dropping in everytime I move trying to start a conversation. I did feel pretty popular but I honestly just wanted to chill with Yodit. Some more time passes and we begin to get together regularly and I'm feeling her more and more. It is my belief that friends are better lovers. When you meet people and there is an attraction you put on your best face...it's like sending a representative. It's only after you get past all that that you find out you don't really like the actual person. Friends are people you choose to keep around you. You know what their shortcomings are and you have accepted them. This is true with Yodit. Because I didn't start out pursuing her we really got to know each other and I wanted the person I knew. So one day at the same spot after I'm a few drinks down, I take her outside and let her know how I feel. She hugged me...she didn't say she didn't think of me like that or some other "how can I avoid this" type banter. I think things are progressing but eventually we hit an impass and she's on some. Just give me some time...yadda yadda yadda. Basically it comes out that a "friend" of hers is actually her boyfriend and has been for a minute and was when she introduced me to him. I let her know why Crystal was mugging her and she gets mad. Which I don't understand. Yes I liked you but nothing was going down and at this time HEY you still had a boyfriend. I'm going through it and I don't know what to do. Now, for a few years we were in the habit of giving each other books for each others birthday. The nice joints they sell at Barnes and Noble and other fine stores. Well she also gave me a necklace (from her job where I used to hang with her (and her boyfriend a few times unbeknownst to me). So one day I come up to her job dude is there chilling and I give her an envelope containing a letter she wrote me telling me how she felt and asking to give her time along with the necklace. I leave...causing confusion between the two of them. They end up breaking up. She's mad with me. Time passes and nothing will work out between us. She eventually hits me with the "if it's meant to be". BULLSHIT - nothing happens between people without some effort on their part. Fate takes you but so far, I can only show you the door, When opportunity knocks...etc. Despite all of this I still do care for her. We lose touch cause I just can't call her. I felt the poor street vendor who has lain his heart and soul (his only goods) out before someone telling them they are theirs for the taking and the response I got was, "I'll pick it up on my way back". I have seen Yodit a few times in the last 2 years and she asks me to call her...she's seen my man and said " Tell your boy he can call me." But I can't. I feel like there are no more words. What do you say to someone you've already offered all of yourself to? I, to this day, care for Yodit. I just don't know what to say anymore. The saddest thing is that my favorite and most originally formatted song is dedicated to her and it captures all I can imagine about two people being together. While it is my favorite it cuts me to think of where it came from. I actually did a live recording of it and dude was there! The funniest thing is we both felt a lil' used and actually get along. I just wish I could find the words for Yodit. Perhaps she'll do a Google for me, or even her own name and this will come up and she'll understand some more. I wish sometimes I still had her number....I'm not sure if I could ever call but having the option would be nice. She was a twister...she came up and spun me around and around leaving me dizzy...and I miss her...for all that's worth.
Franora -
I met Fran while she worked at the CVS that opened up the street from me. I actually used to flirt with all the girls in the store...it's not on purpose, I often times find myself talking to someone and realize 2 minutes late that I was actually flirting. Fran was about 2 years older than me and from Rocky Mt. North(?) Carolina. She was a pretty cool person. She made me comfortable because I never dumbed down my conversations and she would always show interest. Anyway Fran had come to Baltimore to get away from an ex and spend the summer with her sister and nephew. She was pretty impressed by me. Most older women were at that age...until I had facial hair I always looked young and seemed extremely mature. Now people think I'm over 30 which is not as good. Fran was a breath of fresh air at that point. Perhaps it was just her persona or maybe because she was not from here. I spent a relatively small portion of the summer with Fran but I did enjoy the time we spent together. We made love one afternoon right before she had to return home (she had us take a bath beforehand she said to "purify ourselves - may seem corny but I dug it). This was a pretty "pure" time. I can't say that about everyone I've dealt with but I'm glad I can say it about her.
Kelly -
Kelly is one of like four girls that I meet through a girl who was friends with a girl I went to high school with (I know, I know - but that's exactly what it was like). Kelly was from Seattle and had done much more experimenting with certain things than I (like acid and so on). She didn't get along with everyone around our way because she spoke proper so they said "She talk white". However, the things people in the neighborhood didn't like was what helped us get along. To help you understand if you ever saw "The Corner" on HBO that area was a street up from where she lived and a couple blocks from my street. HOOD. She listened to rock and I couldn't find anyone else around there that even wanted to tolerate it being on much less listen. We were pretty cool but we did have a beef that caused us to not speak for a minute. I was supposed to meet her in front of her grandparents house and we had never seen each other. I go with my man who lived at the end of her street. On the way I pass a group of girls who get quite and look at us, get to the address and no one is there. My man convinces me to indulge in an undisclosed activity and we bounce. She calls all mad and says I embarrassed her in front of those people and yadda yadda. I eventually get her to calm down and realize she wasn't where she said she would be and it's hard to assume she was in the group of girls I passed cause in the summer people in Baltimore come out and sit on their steps - that's what we do. We patch things up and eventually we get up - sex. Then this is where I mess up. She calls me and wants to talk about "what happened the other night". I am learning to define things at this point, but unfortunatley I hadn't learned to make my intentions clear. My response - in question form- is "what DID happen the other night". She takes it as a brush off and gets mad, hangs up. I eventually ran into her some time down the line and she is no longer pissed but honestly I don't know what happened after that. I know we were cool and we spoke a taste but I don't remember how we lost contact again...sad huh?
Seven/ Ariel -
This one is a candidate for Ms. Alternate plane of reality. It was hilarious how I meet her. We used to go to D.C. often and knew people at alot of those spots (I make it a point to meet and know doormen and hosts for events - free entry kicks ass!) I'm at Bar Nun one night and this girl is in the midst of other familiars she starts talking to me and my friend Kwofi (re: A.Slim Dictionary - Frontor) immediatley tries to talk to her. She is ignoring him, paying attention to me and he continues trying, which was the asshole move but her complete obliviousness to him made it so entertaining to me. I wasn't initially as interested but his "fuck-O"(love that word) status made me pursue. We hook up and she comes to B'more, I go to D.C. so on and so forth. This was after I had made a mistake (kelly et. al.) and vowed to be honest with all the women I meet. I told this girl because of my mind state and where I was I did not want to be in a relationship. We could get together, we could chill, we could get carried away, but we would NOT (I said this many times) BE TOGETHER, no coupledom. She must not have believed me. It came to some what of a head when she tried to kiss me one day and I would not let her. See, I believe that sex and love are not one and the same. It is the ideal situation to be having sex with a person you love, but having sex doesn't denote love. - I actually think the association is pretty crude on the part of people. Sex and arousal is provoked by natural chemical reactions, love is something more spiritual and I refuse to confuse the two. I also associate the intimacy of kissing with being in a relationship. If you ever see me kissing or holding hands with a female; you know that is my girl. I won't do those things with just anyone. If you wonder why I draw the line at kissing and not sex, you weren't paying attention just now. Anyway (tangent-boy, tangent-boy) she tries to kiss me one day and I wouldn't let her I explained once again that I only do that with someone I am committed to. She acutally forced herself at me and I had to mush her to prevent her from kissing me (and they say only men make unwanted advances). If you are not familar with the mush: imagine my hand over her face with her lips protruding from between my thumb and fore-finger as I hold her at bay. Kinda sad. But I've found that some people won't take you for the value of your word and I guess she felt if we were sleeping with each other than everything else would fall into place. Not my way of thinking. Didn't stay around her after that.
Crystal -
This one has become a rumor about me and she also intersects with another that was in my life. Crystal is one of the few that was younger than me. I laugh about her because my man's roommate had a crush on her and neither he or she would admit it. Let me just say I don't ride from the county to the city to pick up a girl (who lives in the same county) from anywhere (especially some dudes house) at 10:00 in the morning on the spur of the moment. I know the symptoms of a crush and he had it. Anyway this did not last long. At the time I was always hanging out and she would frequent the same spots, which is how we met. Anyway we slept together and the next week I'm at the spot and here she comes in with a date. I wasn't mad I just said o.k. if that's what the deal is...I move on. For some reason she did not perceive that it might seem curious that she would show up with a date a couple days after we've been together at a spot where all my friends and several mutual acquaintances hang. I don't know what her mind state was but she basically took it as I hit and ran, never calling again. In my world if you sleep with a person and then go on a date with another...there must not have been anything beyond momentary physical desire. She must not think this way. I have since heard that people asked about why I would sleep with her and "dog" her out. I never bothered to address it cause first of all, I don't like people in my personal life and secondly she never examined the situation cause she saw me that night. A night I will go into more detail about shortly.
Yodit -
This one left an impression. The only girl I really had strong feelings for but never kissed or slept with. I think at the most I held her hand...once, and I was nervous like a young boy. Yodit was an Eritrean girl ( I really have a thing for foreign women). I meet her one night at a poetry event. Once again a guy I know was trying to talk to her, but I guess we chose each other that night. Anyway I find out that she is under 18. I wasn't that old but I was over and I don't like that disparity. Yodit was so cool thought I'll just know her and perhaps someday something will come about. She was my homegirl, she and Yummi girlfriend # 2 were the only people that came to the house me and my man (yummi's brother) were living at at that time. It was dead in the middle of the hood, across from a dope strip. It was so bad the second person who died on New Years of 2000 did so in front of our house...literally. The problem with Yodit at that time (besides her age) was her heritage. Everyone may not be aware of this, I've learned this from her and my friend from Nigeria, all Africans do not like Black americans. Her father referred to us as niggers. But anytime it was known that I was on the phone it was a problem. I thought it may have been my age at one point. Later I learned that if it was known she was going to see me she had to be home at a certain time. On the other hand if she went to D.C. and chilled with a bunch of Eritreans (guys and girls) she could stay all weekend. Just because they were Eritreans. Just because I was "american". I don't even like to call myself american (U.S.G. citizen). Anyway...time goes on. She even had a boyfriend during this period, which didn't bother me because I knew I wouldn't touch her until she was a little older. She is finally older, we're getting together, she's coming to the spots that I'm at. EVERYONE knows US. To this day people still think she is my girl and the funny thing is she's the one I never got to be with. During this time we're talking and I'm realizing that the passage of time has only made me feel more for her. This is the same time as my dealings with Crystal and I must mention that only happened because despite my feelings I was unsure if Yodit took me for anything more than a friend. This is where worlds start to collide. I'm at the spot a couple weeks after the Crystal incident and Yodit calls to see where I am and says she's coming through. Cool. So, of course, Crystal comes in to - with the same date as before I might add. On top of all of this there is another girl I know in the place flirting with me. Me and Yodit start chilling, I get on the open mic and have a few dances. On one of my "lord of the dance" excursions Crystal starts dancing with me, grinding her ass all into my - what's the proper word- Fuck Stick (I just watched Bad Santa, pardon me). So due to what has recently happened I'm not feeling this and I step to the bar for a drink. Yodit comes up and we start kicking it and she mentions that some girl is mugging her (y'know - looking aggressivley). Then she says there she is - I look up and of course it's Crystal. Meanwhile the other flirter is like dropping in everytime I move trying to start a conversation. I did feel pretty popular but I honestly just wanted to chill with Yodit. Some more time passes and we begin to get together regularly and I'm feeling her more and more. It is my belief that friends are better lovers. When you meet people and there is an attraction you put on your best face...it's like sending a representative. It's only after you get past all that that you find out you don't really like the actual person. Friends are people you choose to keep around you. You know what their shortcomings are and you have accepted them. This is true with Yodit. Because I didn't start out pursuing her we really got to know each other and I wanted the person I knew. So one day at the same spot after I'm a few drinks down, I take her outside and let her know how I feel. She hugged me...she didn't say she didn't think of me like that or some other "how can I avoid this" type banter. I think things are progressing but eventually we hit an impass and she's on some. Just give me some time...yadda yadda yadda. Basically it comes out that a "friend" of hers is actually her boyfriend and has been for a minute and was when she introduced me to him. I let her know why Crystal was mugging her and she gets mad. Which I don't understand. Yes I liked you but nothing was going down and at this time HEY you still had a boyfriend. I'm going through it and I don't know what to do. Now, for a few years we were in the habit of giving each other books for each others birthday. The nice joints they sell at Barnes and Noble and other fine stores. Well she also gave me a necklace (from her job where I used to hang with her (and her boyfriend a few times unbeknownst to me). So one day I come up to her job dude is there chilling and I give her an envelope containing a letter she wrote me telling me how she felt and asking to give her time along with the necklace. I leave...causing confusion between the two of them. They end up breaking up. She's mad with me. Time passes and nothing will work out between us. She eventually hits me with the "if it's meant to be". BULLSHIT - nothing happens between people without some effort on their part. Fate takes you but so far, I can only show you the door, When opportunity knocks...etc. Despite all of this I still do care for her. We lose touch cause I just can't call her. I felt the poor street vendor who has lain his heart and soul (his only goods) out before someone telling them they are theirs for the taking and the response I got was, "I'll pick it up on my way back". I have seen Yodit a few times in the last 2 years and she asks me to call her...she's seen my man and said " Tell your boy he can call me." But I can't. I feel like there are no more words. What do you say to someone you've already offered all of yourself to? I, to this day, care for Yodit. I just don't know what to say anymore. The saddest thing is that my favorite and most originally formatted song is dedicated to her and it captures all I can imagine about two people being together. While it is my favorite it cuts me to think of where it came from. I actually did a live recording of it and dude was there! The funniest thing is we both felt a lil' used and actually get along. I just wish I could find the words for Yodit. Perhaps she'll do a Google for me, or even her own name and this will come up and she'll understand some more. I wish sometimes I still had her number....I'm not sure if I could ever call but having the option would be nice. She was a twister...she came up and spun me around and around leaving me dizzy...and I miss her...for all that's worth.
posted by Amadeo at 5:00 PM
3 Comments:
I was at work so time didn't matter. Plus I don't remember. Anything like this done at work never takes long enough.
Honest and beautiful.
I'd like to read more.
The most significant were probably ones I never got involved with. Just some I would have liked to.
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