Sex , Truth & No Commitment

I have had a wonderous (and not so) array of women who have breezed up to spin me around in my day. Some were like fun rides, some just made me sick, others left impressions. There have been people from out of state, a married woman (I didn't know!), some from other countries, and a nice percentage who seemed like they may have been from an alternate plane of reality. I sometimes can't even remember all of them, which is crazy. I mean I've been with women but I never imagined myself as a player or something of that nature. I guess everyone does this perhaps. I'm not sure where to start so I'll run with those that stand out.

Franora -

I met Fran while she worked at the CVS that opened up the street from me. I actually used to flirt with all the girls in the store...it's not on purpose, I often times find myself talking to someone and realize 2 minutes late that I was actually flirting. Fran was about 2 years older than me and from Rocky Mt. North(?) Carolina. She was a pretty cool person. She made me comfortable because I never dumbed down my conversations and she would always show interest. Anyway Fran had come to Baltimore to get away from an ex and spend the summer with her sister and nephew. She was pretty impressed by me. Most older women were at that age...until I had facial hair I always looked young and seemed extremely mature. Now people think I'm over 30 which is not as good. Fran was a breath of fresh air at that point. Perhaps it was just her persona or maybe because she was not from here. I spent a relatively small portion of the summer with Fran but I did enjoy the time we spent together. We made love one afternoon right before she had to return home (she had us take a bath beforehand she said to "purify ourselves - may seem corny but I dug it). This was a pretty "pure" time. I can't say that about everyone I've dealt with but I'm glad I can say it about her.

Kelly -

Kelly is one of like four girls that I meet through a girl who was friends with a girl I went to high school with (I know, I know - but that's exactly what it was like). Kelly was from Seattle and had done much more experimenting with certain things than I (like acid and so on). She didn't get along with everyone around our way because she spoke proper so they said "She talk white". However, the things people in the neighborhood didn't like was what helped us get along. To help you understand if you ever saw "The Corner" on HBO that area was a street up from where she lived and a couple blocks from my street. HOOD. She listened to rock and I couldn't find anyone else around there that even wanted to tolerate it being on much less listen. We were pretty cool but we did have a beef that caused us to not speak for a minute. I was supposed to meet her in front of her grandparents house and we had never seen each other. I go with my man who lived at the end of her street. On the way I pass a group of girls who get quite and look at us, get to the address and no one is there. My man convinces me to indulge in an undisclosed activity and we bounce. She calls all mad and says I embarrassed her in front of those people and yadda yadda. I eventually get her to calm down and realize she wasn't where she said she would be and it's hard to assume she was in the group of girls I passed cause in the summer people in Baltimore come out and sit on their steps - that's what we do. We patch things up and eventually we get up - sex. Then this is where I mess up. She calls me and wants to talk about "what happened the other night". I am learning to define things at this point, but unfortunatley I hadn't learned to make my intentions clear. My response - in question form- is "what DID happen the other night". She takes it as a brush off and gets mad, hangs up. I eventually ran into her some time down the line and she is no longer pissed but honestly I don't know what happened after that. I know we were cool and we spoke a taste but I don't remember how we lost contact again...sad huh?

Seven/ Ariel -

This one is a candidate for Ms. Alternate plane of reality. It was hilarious how I meet her. We used to go to D.C. often and knew people at alot of those spots (I make it a point to meet and know doormen and hosts for events - free entry kicks ass!) I'm at Bar Nun one night and this girl is in the midst of other familiars she starts talking to me and my friend Kwofi (re: A.Slim Dictionary - Frontor) immediatley tries to talk to her. She is ignoring him, paying attention to me and he continues trying, which was the asshole move but her complete obliviousness to him made it so entertaining to me. I wasn't initially as interested but his "fuck-O"(love that word) status made me pursue. We hook up and she comes to B'more, I go to D.C. so on and so forth. This was after I had made a mistake (kelly et. al.) and vowed to be honest with all the women I meet. I told this girl because of my mind state and where I was I did not want to be in a relationship. We could get together, we could chill, we could get carried away, but we would NOT (I said this many times) BE TOGETHER, no coupledom. She must not have believed me. It came to some what of a head when she tried to kiss me one day and I would not let her. See, I believe that sex and love are not one and the same. It is the ideal situation to be having sex with a person you love, but having sex doesn't denote love. - I actually think the association is pretty crude on the part of people. Sex and arousal is provoked by natural chemical reactions, love is something more spiritual and I refuse to confuse the two. I also associate the intimacy of kissing with being in a relationship. If you ever see me kissing or holding hands with a female; you know that is my girl. I won't do those things with just anyone. If you wonder why I draw the line at kissing and not sex, you weren't paying attention just now. Anyway (tangent-boy, tangent-boy) she tries to kiss me one day and I wouldn't let her I explained once again that I only do that with someone I am committed to. She acutally forced herself at me and I had to mush her to prevent her from kissing me (and they say only men make unwanted advances). If you are not familar with the mush: imagine my hand over her face with her lips protruding from between my thumb and fore-finger as I hold her at bay. Kinda sad. But I've found that some people won't take you for the value of your word and I guess she felt if we were sleeping with each other than everything else would fall into place. Not my way of thinking. Didn't stay around her after that.

Crystal -

This one has become a rumor about me and she also intersects with another that was in my life. Crystal is one of the few that was younger than me. I laugh about her because my man's roommate had a crush on her and neither he or she would admit it. Let me just say I don't ride from the county to the city to pick up a girl (who lives in the same county) from anywhere (especially some dudes house) at 10:00 in the morning on the spur of the moment. I know the symptoms of a crush and he had it. Anyway this did not last long. At the time I was always hanging out and she would frequent the same spots, which is how we met. Anyway we slept together and the next week I'm at the spot and here she comes in with a date. I wasn't mad I just said o.k. if that's what the deal is...I move on. For some reason she did not perceive that it might seem curious that she would show up with a date a couple days after we've been together at a spot where all my friends and several mutual acquaintances hang. I don't know what her mind state was but she basically took it as I hit and ran, never calling again. In my world if you sleep with a person and then go on a date with another...there must not have been anything beyond momentary physical desire. She must not think this way. I have since heard that people asked about why I would sleep with her and "dog" her out. I never bothered to address it cause first of all, I don't like people in my personal life and secondly she never examined the situation cause she saw me that night. A night I will go into more detail about shortly.

Yodit -

This one left an impression. The only girl I really had strong feelings for but never kissed or slept with. I think at the most I held her hand...once, and I was nervous like a young boy. Yodit was an Eritrean girl ( I really have a thing for foreign women). I meet her one night at a poetry event. Once again a guy I know was trying to talk to her, but I guess we chose each other that night. Anyway I find out that she is under 18. I wasn't that old but I was over and I don't like that disparity. Yodit was so cool thought I'll just know her and perhaps someday something will come about. She was my homegirl, she and Yummi girlfriend # 2 were the only people that came to the house me and my man (yummi's brother) were living at at that time. It was dead in the middle of the hood, across from a dope strip. It was so bad the second person who died on New Years of 2000 did so in front of our house...literally. The problem with Yodit at that time (besides her age) was her heritage. Everyone may not be aware of this, I've learned this from her and my friend from Nigeria, all Africans do not like Black americans. Her father referred to us as niggers. But anytime it was known that I was on the phone it was a problem. I thought it may have been my age at one point. Later I learned that if it was known she was going to see me she had to be home at a certain time. On the other hand if she went to D.C. and chilled with a bunch of Eritreans (guys and girls) she could stay all weekend. Just because they were Eritreans. Just because I was "american". I don't even like to call myself american (U.S.G. citizen). Anyway...time goes on. She even had a boyfriend during this period, which didn't bother me because I knew I wouldn't touch her until she was a little older. She is finally older, we're getting together, she's coming to the spots that I'm at. EVERYONE knows US. To this day people still think she is my girl and the funny thing is she's the one I never got to be with. During this time we're talking and I'm realizing that the passage of time has only made me feel more for her. This is the same time as my dealings with Crystal and I must mention that only happened because despite my feelings I was unsure if Yodit took me for anything more than a friend. This is where worlds start to collide. I'm at the spot a couple weeks after the Crystal incident and Yodit calls to see where I am and says she's coming through. Cool. So, of course, Crystal comes in to - with the same date as before I might add. On top of all of this there is another girl I know in the place flirting with me. Me and Yodit start chilling, I get on the open mic and have a few dances. On one of my "lord of the dance" excursions Crystal starts dancing with me, grinding her ass all into my - what's the proper word- Fuck Stick (I just watched Bad Santa, pardon me). So due to what has recently happened I'm not feeling this and I step to the bar for a drink. Yodit comes up and we start kicking it and she mentions that some girl is mugging her (y'know - looking aggressivley). Then she says there she is - I look up and of course it's Crystal. Meanwhile the other flirter is like dropping in everytime I move trying to start a conversation. I did feel pretty popular but I honestly just wanted to chill with Yodit. Some more time passes and we begin to get together regularly and I'm feeling her more and more. It is my belief that friends are better lovers. When you meet people and there is an attraction you put on your best face...it's like sending a representative. It's only after you get past all that that you find out you don't really like the actual person. Friends are people you choose to keep around you. You know what their shortcomings are and you have accepted them. This is true with Yodit. Because I didn't start out pursuing her we really got to know each other and I wanted the person I knew. So one day at the same spot after I'm a few drinks down, I take her outside and let her know how I feel. She hugged me...she didn't say she didn't think of me like that or some other "how can I avoid this" type banter. I think things are progressing but eventually we hit an impass and she's on some. Just give me some time...yadda yadda yadda. Basically it comes out that a "friend" of hers is actually her boyfriend and has been for a minute and was when she introduced me to him. I let her know why Crystal was mugging her and she gets mad. Which I don't understand. Yes I liked you but nothing was going down and at this time HEY you still had a boyfriend. I'm going through it and I don't know what to do. Now, for a few years we were in the habit of giving each other books for each others birthday. The nice joints they sell at Barnes and Noble and other fine stores. Well she also gave me a necklace (from her job where I used to hang with her (and her boyfriend a few times unbeknownst to me). So one day I come up to her job dude is there chilling and I give her an envelope containing a letter she wrote me telling me how she felt and asking to give her time along with the necklace. I leave...causing confusion between the two of them. They end up breaking up. She's mad with me. Time passes and nothing will work out between us. She eventually hits me with the "if it's meant to be". BULLSHIT - nothing happens between people without some effort on their part. Fate takes you but so far, I can only show you the door, When opportunity knocks...etc. Despite all of this I still do care for her. We lose touch cause I just can't call her. I felt the poor street vendor who has lain his heart and soul (his only goods) out before someone telling them they are theirs for the taking and the response I got was, "I'll pick it up on my way back". I have seen Yodit a few times in the last 2 years and she asks me to call her...she's seen my man and said " Tell your boy he can call me." But I can't. I feel like there are no more words. What do you say to someone you've already offered all of yourself to? I, to this day, care for Yodit. I just don't know what to say anymore. The saddest thing is that my favorite and most originally formatted song is dedicated to her and it captures all I can imagine about two people being together. While it is my favorite it cuts me to think of where it came from. I actually did a live recording of it and dude was there! The funniest thing is we both felt a lil' used and actually get along. I just wish I could find the words for Yodit. Perhaps she'll do a Google for me, or even her own name and this will come up and she'll understand some more. I wish sometimes I still had her number....I'm not sure if I could ever call but having the option would be nice. She was a twister...she came up and spun me around and around leaving me dizzy...and I miss her...for all that's worth.

The Tao of Amadeo

I feel I should give you guys a sample of my philosophy...if you ever saw the Tao of Steve you'd be familiar. I must mention I did not simply lift my credo from the movie but it did help me put somethings into a phrase for me.

• Eliminate your desire.
  

This the most important step and something most men need to learn. My thought is women can sense the lust in a man (because most men don't hide it). According to society, men make the approach and women screen them out. I saw it when I worked on Morgan's campus (MSU!). A female student leaving the dorms at one end would be approached so many times that once she reached the other side of campus you couldn't say hi without her going into automatic defensive. Focus young Skywalker...clear the lust from your mind.

• Demonstrate your greatness.
  

I was always good at this. In school and work settings I have always been a top performer and usually the youngest. I write, emcee, and used to perform poetry so I always had an opportunity. This just means if we were cavemen we would hunt and bring back food and show we were strong. Now beating up a guy might not get it for you. Give them a reason. There's lots of guys out here, show them why you're special. Everyone is good at something so this steps requires that you know something of yourself.

• Retreat.
  

I've said that we love the ones that leave and leave the ones that love. Basically most people will give chase to what seems out of reach and most people run from what is chasing them. Don't make yourself inaccessible or literally avoid your subject, just ease off and let them come to you (in a manner of speaking). I used to call this ignore the pretty girl. To use an example out of my present day life. There is a mental health counselor working for us and my manager caught me saying she's a cutie so she is pushing me to get together with her. This woman is lovely, and every guy acts like it. When I go to centers the male staff are always trying to have a conversation or just putting alot of attention on her. My plan is, not to avoid her but to treat her as an equal with others. When women get mad attention and dudes are trying to kiss their ass and be all "around" them they tend to pay more attention to the ones that seperate themselves from that madness. Understandably, If 20 women always pay me attention, I'll wonder why the 21st doesn't and she will seem more interesting because the rest have put their cards on the table and she still has her poker face.

An important note is that none of this is done from a purely egotisitical standpoint. One must remain in tune with the feelings of others. None of this is an excuse to be a jerk. It's all about peaking interest and for the right reasons. If you do this correctly, eliminating your desire will prevent you from doing stupid things. Demonstrating your greatness is all positive. Retreat is just so that your "target" can make her choice. Nothing is greater than the person you have chosen choosing you. This is like the force if you abuse it you will go to the dark side and there are repercussions.

Girlfriend Retrospective: Sidestep

The rest of this week I'll touch on some people who were not girlfriends, but I was involved with. I realize I've only had about 4 or 5 "girlfriends" but there were several other women who have crossed my path and I will explore some of these wonderful experiences.

Girlfriend #3A: Lest I forget

I felt guilty about putting up Teri's picture but this absolves my guilt...I was reminded by my broken furnace. Anyway, I met Teri in the summer and we were involved by the fall. I don't remember how this incident came about but I recall that she did not have heat because she forget to call B.G. & E. It took her awhile to get the situation together which pissed me off because she just had to call and kept forgetting to do it. Me in all my gallant gloriousness would come home from work and gather clothes and go right to her house to spend the night and provide a warm body for her to cuddle up to. I was living with my moms again so I couldn't really ask her to come sleep there. I'm not trying to show that I'm just an amazing, caring, giving person (I am though), this was something that happened and it's important for me to remember these things if this retrospective is to be of any use to me. Plus, since my furnace is broke I'm wondering where is the girl like me to offer such a thing now that I'm in need...even though I'd just go over her house...no need for us all to suffer.

Broken Furnace Day # 45

Yes my furnace is broke. No Heat. Ever took a shower in a house with out heat. I could accept if didn't pay the bill and I got shut off, but things breaking kills me. I don't know why I didn't mention it. Perhaps because I'm getting to the point that nothing is fazing me. When you can see your breath in the living room and you spend your time hunched close to a space heater...you start to care less about many mundane things. Other peoples attitudes are of no concern. Beware to all ignorant people, my tongue is sharpened and ready. I suggest you hold yours. ...time to fill the flask.

Girlfriend #3

This was an interesting one...that still haunts me. Teri or (Therence - she might hate that I put that but...it's my frickin' blog.) was a light-skinned buxom Liberian girl. The weird thing about this, especially now that I read it here, is that she used to mess around with my friend. The same friend who is the brother of the ex- before this. She is how it sunk in to not date people who have dated your friends. Teri was..interesting. she was very artistic, good-looking, curved in good places, and she was not from this country...plus she spoke liberian-english and french. She was older than me and while not the first she had the biggest age difference at the time. We were close for a while. It's people like her that make me think about how you can be so close to someone one day and not really know them later. Anyway...I lived what I call my semi-married life with her. Point of fact her best friend that she grew up with (also from liberia) was married to a friend of mine. What's hilarious is the four of us used to get up and he and I would always fall asleep! Maybe our bodies were coordinating efforts to warn us. The skinny - Teri was cool, I picked up alot of liberian dishes from her (Men who cook! Learn the best dish from that women you date/know make...good way to build a repotoir) I met many folks, went to alot of parties, and had a good time...being the youngest person in the room. Now, sexually...Teri did not have the best drive I have experienced. She did feed the ego though. She was the only girl I have been with who would be ready to go to sleep while I was still "primed" it kinda sucked. I wondered if this is what women feel like. "One shot and your out? I still had something to prove." Biggest ego boost was that I brought her to tears once. I am kinda bragging but at the time it took me a minute to realize it WAS something I could brag about. At the time I was thinking..."what, are you instantly pregnant?". The hang up in this situation was...her. I want to say that she was a cancer and leave the blame there but,...here's an example. We both have something to drink before falling asleep. I sit my glass up and out of the way. She puts hers on the floor on my side of the bed (futon really). I wake up (big feet and clumsiness) and kick the glass breaking it. After 10 times she gets pissed and says, "You need to realize there will be a glass there and be careful." I say, " I wake up at three in the morning to go to work, I am clumsy, I do have big feet, let's put glasses in a safer place." She says, " No you need to get used to it." That type of thing doesn't fly well with me. On top of that she was kind of clingy, and she still had one of those "we-used-to-be-together-now-we're-just-close ex-boyfriends. I don't like that. Especially when she let's me know that he talked shit about me and doesn't want me to confront him. Ladies if your ex is talking about your current, either don't tell him or don't stop him from addressing the situation. I remember she wanted to go to California with him for a week and I basically felt like...HELL NO. If you want to get together do it, after I'm gone. Call it what you want, but I'll never say, "oh honey my ex just wants me to chill with her across the country and sunny beaches, what's the problem?" I already know what it is. Another technique for the fellas...when Teri and I would argue about something, I would listen to hear her voice begin to rise and I would simultaneously lower the tone of my voice. I'd say things like, "Well I'm sure we can discuss this without all the yelling, it's a simple disagreement, sweetie." She'd get more pissed, we'd part company, and by the next day maturity set in and she would admit her...childishness (she did NOT use that word). Now this is where it get's fucked up. We were having problems and not getting along right before X-mas. We even had the "What do YOU want to do" talk. I escort her to buy gifts for her family before she heads off to N.Y. I even buy her lil' brother a cool ass video game that she knew nothing about, and of course he ended up loving it. While she is gone I really contemplate the situation. What will I do? Is it worth it? Then I make up my mind that for whatever reason we are together. At least I can exert all my strength to make it work. She returns for new years for which we plan. I rent a VCR and some movies (she didn't have one and this is before, everything was on DVD.) I buy champange she gets ingredients for this spicy liberian chicken dish. I mean we spent some money collectively to make it a good new years and it was. The mix of food, booze and a camera did us pretty well. The next day we get up eat and I run out to grab something from a friend of mine, we induldge...afterwhich she promptly breaks up with me! My whole mind state was - wuhdafuck - weren't we going at it like untamed beasts last night. Didn't I just make up my mind to work it out. HOW THE HELL DID SHE SLIP THAT IN THERE! So we part, exchange things she requests the pictures we took the night before (should have thought about that!) which I had forgotten about, what with being dumped and all. The problem was she kept pushing the issue, like I was going to have a party at which I would display 8x10 copies. Because of her attitude about it - I made doubles just so I could keep some. Which I will say no one has ever seen...cause I'm just not like that. But spite makes me leave options open. The worst thing about this whole period was that she would call me or email me and say, "we don't talk anymore, you never call me." Cause you broke up with me!!!! What type of desperate loser was it that you mistaked me for?!?! Revisit my ex-rule above.

Today

Teri had a child with some guy not too long after we broke up. Long enough to be reasonable but short enough to make me wonder sometimes - and enough for my friends to joke me about guess who someone's baby resembles? Last I saw Teri she was getting kind of big. I don't mean status wise. She always did complain about her weight, but when I suggested running with me she had a "bad knee" that prevented it. I never saw anything improve from lack of use. There are still jokes that I'm a father and I don't know it. The good thing is...the recipe for rice bread I got from her is a real crowd pleaser in my hands.

Girlfriend #2

My second girlfriend is a very interesting story. Yummi, She was my best friends sister, a beautiful dark skinned girl - the kind whose skin shines in a good way. And I mean someone who I knew from the 8th grade and last saw...on sunday. As a matter of fact he is one of the few people I will call my friend. Anyway, this was unexpected I was getting over my first and the funny thing is Mary J. Blige had the song 7 Days at the time which almost describes what happened. We were always amongst friends chilling and one day we just kind of admitted to each other how we felt. Things went on for a while. The natural tension between her brother and myself was there but never became an issue. I remember she used to chill at this girls apartment about 20 blocks from my mothers house (where I technically lived) and she used to call me to get me to bring her ice cream and spend the night - I never did mind the walk. I'm surprised she never got pregnant because we were not as responsible as we should have been. Anyway it was a pretty cool situation, I knew her family well and me and my friends were always at the house anyway. Until one day when she just started to seem distant. Then she basically told me we couldn't be together, I never really got an explanation. I do know that she ended up back with her EX and I mean capital ex. The one who had traumatized her so much I couldn't pick her up without her almost kirking out. Because someone may google me one day and come across this, I won't say all that I know but I'll say after listening to their story I hated him. I couldn't tell her brother either cause he may have killed the dude. {Outside of what he did to her he was like a 5 percenter who still hustled so I hated that too} Anyway they got back together, things did not go well. She got pregnant and shortly afterward some younger hustlers took him on Northern Pkwy. shot him and kicked him out of the car.

TODAY

She is raising her daughter and doing well. I still see her and she, at least, remains cool. We still talk and are friends ( matter of fact she has my American Beauty DVD right now). I do still wonder what her life would be like had we stayed together, but the past is the past.

Girl Friend # 1

I guess this would be Kenya - a beautiful light skinned sister with short hair and a dancers body, she always talked like a childrens show host. I met her in the midst of my youthful revolutionary years. What's funny is when it looked like we might hook up, there was some discussion about if she was trustworthy and perhaps she was here to gather information on us...we were into somethings...don't ask. Anyway as a group we deceided that I should date her. Very hilarious to me now. We were cool for quite a while but she had problems with the fact that I smoked...which bothered me since it was never a secret and in the begining she let me smoke in her house and all that. It was down the line that she remembered she didn't like it. Things like this should be said upfront, you can't let something like that slide and then try to enforce it. The other problem was that she had some deep relationship with her last boyfriend and they almost had a child and blah, blah, blah. I hate things like this and she wasn't the last. My current will never have to hear shit like "My ex wants to see me we're still close." if it's over, it's over, if not I won't begin something else. Anyway she broke up with me and it was kind of a surprise. She had come (at least I thought) to pick me up and take me to her house, it was the holidays and we were exchanging gifts. I soon found out that she had come to drop off my gift and let me know that she couldn't be with me anymore. I didn't want to press for explanations at the time and still haven't gotten any.
TODAY
Now things are very weird. She was married to this guy and then joined the nation of Islam. I used to see her and she wouldn't really speak to me. The crass and puss-filled part of me wanted to yell "You've had my dick in your mouth and you can't say hello in passing?" Fortunatley I'm only crass enough to think that. What's worse is I see her two years later (sans muslim garb) and she seems all friendly like she wanted to talk to me. My ego made me move on.

The mistake I might make

I almost made a mistake the other night. It involves an ex-girlfriend. My motto is to never go backwards. If someone caused me to break up with them than I've lost all interest. If someone breaks up with me...my ego makes me lose interest. Anyway I broke up with this woman more than a year ago. In my possesion are several of her books (that I read and enjoy), 3 C.D.s (only one of which I don't like), two articles of clothing and a pair of slippers. She has one of my books, one of my C.D.s and my I'm-going-out-of-town-bag. I tried to exchange things with her several times in the 6 months following our break up but it didn't work out. More to the point she was being immature (her words) in not wanting to contact or speak with me. We had finally set up a time for her to come by and make the exchange. She resorted to her immaturity and did not keep the appt. I since realized no ex of mine has ever returned anything and gave up, much to my chagrin cause she has my Sweetback C.D. which I love. My conscience won't let me just toss out someone's things, the articles of clothing...I appreciate music and books, but I'm getting tired of having it around. Well the other night I remebered her phone number and considered calling her to see if we could make a trade, unless she has taken her anger out on my things. I also thought that perhaps if she seemed at peace and semi-sociable towards me that I could ask her questions. Yes, I'm having a High Fidelity moment, wondering why my relationships haven't worked out and wanting answers. Then I thought well what if something happens...y'know. While we didn't get along in everyway I will say she was one of the only steady girlfriends I've had whose sex drive matched mine. It may not sound like a big deal but when drives don't match it can become annoying. A woman can come to feel like you have a very limited interest in them, and I hate feeling like I always have to initiate sex. (I really write and think on a tangent, don't I!?!?) At first I thought at least it will break my current abstinence, however, my conscience knows that situation would have more baggage than the closet of a Greyhound employee (screw you guys I haven't forgotten). I'll blame the thought of anything happening on my semi-erect state at the time. -(Despite what anyone says I believe that any function of your body that uses a specific amount of blood has to effect your thought process.) My sense of justice and my music collection want my things back. My current abstinence wants a momentary indescretion. My ego wants nothing to do with an ex. My aging mentality regrets that I cannot say I have been in love with someone who also loved me. My blog is begging for a relationship retrospective. My late night...is over in 9 minutes...I'll have to continue this later.

Boyish Charm vs. 1978 - 12/13/04

I can't/I can:

1. name 3 videos playing on MTV/Describe Ah-Ha's video "Take on Me"
2. name anyone in G-unit besides 50 cent/tell you 4 bits would equal $.50
3. tell you what happened on The Wire/remember the actual events the show is based on
4. name what albums have just come out/recite songs from the 60's/70's/80's
5. tell you what football jersey is most popular fashion wise/tell you what happened to the first ever #1 draft pick

This weekend I went to my friends housewarming. Amongst the small group I consider my"friends" he is the youngest and the current front runner to be married and domesticated. This along with various randomness are making me feel and think that I'm old. I was amongst some of my clients who were singing the Ja Rule song "100 Guns", I only heard part of the chorus and I got exited cause my reference is Boogie Down Productions (1990). To my surprise we had a 14 (almost 15) year difference in mind. Before this I had worked out a budget that would allow me to pay off any debt save for what remains of student loans. Pile all this together with me being at my friends house warming and the fact that I realized it may be a few years before I even consider moving in with a woman. Finding one first would help. I find my self less likely to randomly TRY and meet ladies now. I always realize that the next one could be a life time. I used to love nothing more than meeting women. I was great at meeting a group of ladies that me and my friends could get together with at a later time. To worsen the situation the friend from the house warming was also a master of this craft. We along with the rest of the "small circle" spent a lot of time with many groups of women. It's hard to realize he could be married soon, just like it's hard to realize if I fall in love I may end up marrying that person. I believe that you only grow old when your mind is no longer open to new possibilities. So while I may not really feel old...I feel my age increasing. I feel the tug of responsibility. I feel the need to improve my life, not so much for myself, for the child(ren) I want to have one day. I don't mind being older, the realization that it is already fact is the issue.

Omerta

I'm having issues with the "Thug" thing. I understand the usage of it but I tell young people that Thugs are the people in movies that Bruce Lee beats with 3 kicks. Thugs are the guys that die first and never have good lines. I miss the days when people wanted to be cat burglars and con artists. Doesn't anyone run a good three card monty anymore? Besides I figure if you're going to commit a crime with the intention of getting money why do something so time consuming and risky and detrimental to your immediate surroundings as selling crack or coke or heroin. Do some Oceans Eleven or Italian Job type of gig. If I'm going to put myself at risk I'd rather do it for a couple hours and then have enough money to retire, instead of doing something risky everyday and knowing I'll have to be out there all nite, get up again tomorrow and come back to do the same thing all over. I don't see the logic. Especially with things like this DVD they sell here, you may have heard about it - Carmello Anthony is in it (dumb on his part), called Stop Snitching. Basically it's a DVD with drug dealers and killers and so forth talking about...honestly it's an evidence DVD for the police. At least that's what it will amount to. Whatever happened to commiting crimes and not talking about it. Kaiser Soze wouldn't write commentaries on the fine points of controlling a criminal organization from the shadows. Mostly because it's not smart and takes the power of anonymity from a criminal which is important. Basically if you are a criminal and the police know your name and your face (or not), you should never be anywhere describing your exploits to anyone but an accomplice....and no Mr. Blondes allowed.

Logan's Run

Perhaps you're familiar with the film "Logans Run", set in a society that kills people once they reach the age of 30? I have a similar feeling about people working in the field of youth development. I work for/with all of these people who are older than myself and those we service. The majority of these people don't know how to deal with the population. In truth alot of these people clutch their purse or cross the street when my clients are approaching. I don't have a huge grudge with the entire 30 and over population, I'm closing in myself, but those working in this field need to understand certain things.

My mother once told me that the world has ended several times. The world my grandmother grew up in is over. My mothers world is over. My world will be over soon enough so I need to make strides to make an effect now. My point being that you can't teach the methods that you used to a generation that is living in a different world. That's like canadians teaching me how to rule kenya 15 years from now. People spend years telling children that clothes don't make the man then wonder why they don't understand why employers won't look at them until they dress up. I'm caught up in the middle of all this as a younger person who has some position. I understand what it takes to get a job and be successful but I also understand the world that youth are growing up in. In actuality the thug menatlity of today's youth is a direct reflection of America. The way our country acts and the things it's citizens will allow and even advocate are no different. It's just that these youth express and enforce these principles from a personal stand point. George Bush is a Thug and his attitudes are representative of alot of these young people. They won't tolerate disrespect, they respect money, and they usually think that they can do as they please and won't accept anyone treating them less then what they would like. My main problem is you can't not take time to understand people and assume you can suggest what would improve their lives. On top of this I have ignorant administrators doing...bullshit. To avoid my work jargon, I'll describe a recent situation like this...

Several months ago we were told to let the children go outside and play in the street. I expressed to my manager they were not ready to do something like that. My manager expressed this to the Executive Director. The E.D. (who only understands numbers) said they have met the systems requirements, so let them go. We do, the children get hit by cars. Now I'm forced to go to I.Q. dropping meetings in which I sit and explain on a case by case basis why the children got hit. I do and they give out their "suggestions" which are really ways to say later on that they tried to help us guide our caseloads. As I look around at the managers in the meeting who are all quiet (save to pitch in suggestions) I want to scream "We only did this because you made us and it boggles my mind that no one seems to remember these edicts coming down. No one seems to remember that I thought it was a bad idea. No one remembers that my manager expressed this and was told to do as asked. This administration is one big CLUSTERFUCK. The worst part is when they get good suggestions they ignore them. Then later they wonder why things go wrong. Recently I had to give out surveys and the questions were just ridiculous. They asked things like "Do your peers engage in antisocial behaviors." My first thought was half of the things we did as youth on a regular basis was looked at as antisocial. Let young adults deal with young people, if you can't have understanding then no advice will ever matter. Stupid grown ups. They say you truly become old when your mind is closed to new posibilities, I refuse to let this happen to me.

Blog vs. Old Relationship

I was going to report myself for the recent abuse of my blog. I did finish an entry today, but I realized that I'm treating my blog like a relationship. Real good at first, always getting together, interesting topics. Now I check in everyonce in a while and I add entries like people who have been together for a while kiss...because it's expected and not from pure desire. What's the equivalent to having a child to save a marriage for your blog? Will we become shadows of our former selves. Staying together for the sake of thoughts shared in the past? Will I drink too much and slap my monitor when my blog isn't loading fast enough? Perhaps we can work this out with out counseling. Perhaps...only time will tell.

Road Rage and the American Government

On a daily basis I probably curse out 5 - 6 people. Not because I'm mean, I deal with aggression in a healthy way. To quote Mr. James Howlett, " I don't hold grudges bub, I deal with my aggression on the spot." I curse these people out because the only smart driver is the one speeding away from me. None of them probably know I'm cursing at them but it makes me feel better. I realized, however, that people's disdain of road rage and their unwillingness to criticize the president are very similar. My justification for road rage is simple...if you bump into me on the street we can excuse each other and walk on, with cars it's a little more involved...so if you do something stupid in a car I have the right to be mad. You're only controlling more than a ton of steel. Same thing with the president, if he makes a bad decision in his own life...he can be excused...if he does it while guiding the country it's more involved. We're only talking about the lives of millions of people (294,822,167).

Common problems with other drivers:

Lack of commital...if you want to turn - do it, riding your brakes is not healthy. (brake into turn, gas at apex).

Lack of commital...stop trying to please everyone if you don't agree with a group stop trying to sound like it.

Don't speed up to slow down...if you want to get it front of me that bad you should want to keep going.
Don't mention any progress that we need to make unless you actually CAN and WILL do it.

If there are cars in your lane I will not let you over just because you sped up next to me...I saw the cars too, that's why I'm in this lane.

Stay in your damn lane...those lines should go on either side of your car. It's not a tightrope.

Brake riders should be dragged into the nearest alley and beaten. People behind you react off your signal, go or stop - no fence riding.

No sitting at green lights, green means go...and if you get mad cause you get honked at you should be slapped - pay attention. (side note: Baltimore is documented as having the longest red lights.)

If you are slowing up looking for a street...that's what mapquest is for and if not, a mapbook. I know where I need to go...move.

Slow people...get off the road there should not be 2 blocks between you and the person who was in front of you at the red light.

Don't double park within 5 feet of an empty space...you deserve a kidney shot.

Don't hold up traffic talking to the person in the car next to you...you both deserve to be kicked in the throat.

Excessive Honkers...I am ignoring and you don't want the attention I'm willing give you.


There are too many things to list so instead I'll come back and go into my Slap day legislation and how it ties in with this subject.