My Main Squeeze

We are not getting along at the moment but Hip-Hop is my baby. I have been unfaithful to her spending most of my time with variations of Rock, Jazz and R&B. I loved her so much when I was younger, I didn't like everything about her but I could accept it. Now I can't take most of it. I know what has happened and it's a direct reflection of society. But I'm a little dissappointed in Hip-Hop because it's an art form and art should be better. Hip-Hop is older than me and it doesn't act like it. Perhaps I'm jaded because I'm an artist, but if I wasn't I wouldn't be able to listen to all of the crap that's out there. As an artist I'm offended that business has corrupted my art like so many others. It's just the way it corrupted it. I remember when you wouldn't dare sound like another Emcee. Now more people get signed because they do sound like someone else. Business and art don't mix. I wonder now what will happen to those family scenes where people sit around singing and playing instruments. Now everyone who does something is looking for a deal. The general nature of what art is suffers when you put it into a "product" perspective. One of the best love songs of all time (For all we know - Beach Boys) doesn't start all lovey dovey. Bertrolt Brecht said - Art is not a mirror held up to reality, but a hammer with which to shape it. Following industry standards doesn't shape anything.



I went to the website for the movie Hitch and they have all of various tests to basically see how proficient you are with the ladies. I scored well. I have always given other guys good advice about women. The problem is I never seem to follow it well. For instance I recognize the signs of possible attraction, except when shown to me. Well, I do recognize them but it's usually 10 minutes later when I've walked away from the woman. Just the other week I noticed this sister staring at me while she was on the phone getting into her car. I go into this grub spot and after a short wait in line I order. Once I get my food I notice she has come in and sat down to my left. She looks right at me and says hello, I respond with a jovial how are you (I usually give good greetings) and walk on out the door. After 15 steps I realize that there was nothing she could have ordered that would have taken the length of time that has passed as people in front of me were waiting for their food and a large order was put together before I got to order my food. My point being is I recognize these things when they do not involve me. When they involve me I always take a few minutes to notice. Well, I do notice right away sometimes but I'm usually not interested then. Like this woman that works at one of our centers has been flirty but not overtly. She makes a point to sit next to me in all of these trainings we have but she ruined herself by mentioning when I first met her that she was old enough to be my mother. What I'm saying is I'm so focused on...something that I never notice for myself. If that's the case why do I always notice when someone else is getting this attention. Is it a case of giving better advice than you can follow or what?

BTW....Hooray for closing early!!!


Off the back of the lorry

I am stealing english slang. I love slang of all types but I have a special place in my heart for the limeys. I have taken to saying crikey(sp) in lieu of cursing. It's just a good word. I also have the urge to burst out at work and say something like " These geezers treat me like a tosser, holding up me reddies. Old bill can't get in on this one, guv. The blokes make me wanna get tooled up and leave em with claret all over their knickers, wearing a Chelsea smile. I thought about this cause this comedian was talking about getting robbed in a place your not from and slang making it hard to understand. "Word is bond kid, run them Jew-els for the ion start spitting and turn your cabbage into coleslaw." I recall when I was at Morgan (MSU) people couldn't tell where I was from because my love of hip-hop and my grasp of the english languge had seasoned my speach. In fact they only figured out where I was from when I kept saying yo. I didn't realize it was such a "Baltimore" term. I am aware that we can have a whole conversation just using yo and a few other terms. "Yo, you know son from up the joint that run with the lil' yo's, not yo from down the hill, money that used to mess with shorty - the stallion." Because I can speak properly I have a greater appreciation for slang. Similar to foreign languages, slang words can speak a whole sentence. The best example is the word "What". Commonly a question, it can be a threat an expression of surprise or disbelief and truly more things than I can think of now. I used to get into debates with people who would say that their use of proper english made other black kids tease them. Their point was you shouldn't be teased for speaking properly. My problem is they would refer to slang as improper speach. Slang is as old as speach. When people developed words other people would shorten or create new words that gave a more ready description. In fact slang definitions of words make their way into the dictionary after some periods of usage. For instance the meaning of cool that pertains to me [:)] as opposed to the one that is a measurment of temperature are both in the dictionary. When cool was first used in this manner it wasn't accepted. It would have been considered improper. Welcome the slang. Except for the word "hot" it sounds like a sleazy agent from the 80's or something.


No Porkies Luv

I realize that while it is great fodder for the Blog and it gives me chances to vent, I will let go of my anger (it does lead to the darkside). Understanding myself I should realize that I dwell on things too much. I tend to sit and mull over things and it just brings me down. As I am able to exist within the parameters of my own little fantasy world sometimes, I also provide my own nightmare when I think about negative things. So I am learning to let go. Casting things aside . My mother always said you must get rid of something before you can before you can bring other things into your life. I don't want to sound like I've been to a self-help workshop (BTW I hate that phrase - if you do it yourself than you didn't need help). I just recognize that dwelling on the negative things makes me feel bad physically and that I don't need. I always was sensitive, in regards to my feelings and the feelings of others. Recently I have begun the practice of "feeling no way". Basically if I can't change it there's no point in dwelling on it...or to quote, "That which is beyond repair should also be past grief." This does piss people off but I figure what does it matter how I feel if that is all I can do in a situation especially a bad feeling. What good is feeling bad? It doesn't help. My problem is anger though. I have trained myself to ignore varying degrees of pain, and some sorrow but anger always takes the most control. Pain is the easiest. I tell myself that pain is my how your body let's you know something is wrong. Once you figure out what is wrong all that's left is to take care of it. Sorrow...is a matter of dwelling as well. Sorrow is a different pain and will make it self felt but I think you have to wallow in it for it to truly affect you. You have to choose sorrow. Anger is like sorrow, it's just easier to make that choice. Consider them flavors rolling around on your tongue, sorrow is bitter, anger is rich and easier to accept succumbing to. Anger makes you feel stronger while sorrow drains your strength. Anger is it's own adrenaline, it's own steroid. What it erodes is hard to replace. I can try to justify my anger but not the outcome. I can achieve things in my anger but what I lose is far more precious to me. Even though I may not accept alot of things. I know that dwelling in my anger won't help me. So I choose to let it go (well to make efforts to let it go, if it was that easy I wouldn't have had a reason to write this). No lies love.


Dream #4

First let me say that I am starting to dream more and I may credit that to my abstaining from one of my "off-time" activities. I had another dream last night that was unusual. I went to this school to pick up someone and some guys were trying to beat him up. For whatever reason I realized that while I could fight these guys it would cause more trouble for me so instead I just pulled them off of him and they didn't try to harm me. Then I noticed one of my old friends (the sister of a friend from high school) hanging with them. She asked me to give her a zerbert (from the Cosby show you press your lips to someones navel and blow, it makes a funny noise and is good for tickling children) which I did. Then the school counselor pulls me into her office and tells me I handled the situation in a professional manner. Then she proceeds to analyze me and is putting me through all of these exercises trying to bring out my personality. The significant thing was that she pointed out things in my posture and manner of speaking that I don't do, but did identify some things about my personality that are true. My problem was I wanted to see some movie that was coming on and I wanted to leave. This lady kept putting me through all of these exercises and had a real interest in helping me. I also got annoyed cause I wanted her to just dialog with me instead of taking me through what I felt were juvenille exercises. I did see the value of what she wanted to accomplish, I just didn't like how she was doing it and...I wanted to see the movie.

Dream #3

I had an unusual dream. First I will say that I have been dreaming with a greater frequency as of late. Anyway I should mention that I'm one of those people who backround noises alter their dreams. So I fall asleep and I was last watching the Daily Show and Comedy Central plays those "Girls Gone Wild" commercials after a certain time of night. So the host pops up in my dream and he bets me to do something then tries to do some smart ass shit to me and fro the remainder of my dream I am kicking his ass. It was one of the funniest dreams I've ever had. I kept hitting him and he was shorter than me so he'd fall down or be knocked backwards and he kept getting frustrated and running back to try and hit me and I'd just clock him again. This happened through out other events in the dream. I came across other people and had conversations and saw these sisters I went to elementary and high school from my neighborhood. I was in this club that reminded me of Biggie Smalls' club from Uptown Saturday Night. Most of my dreams recently have involved conflict but this one was funny cause I was just whupping this litttle guy's ass the whole time. Plus he deserved it and couldn't stop me. I've kicked peoples asses in dreams before and I've had backround noise change my dream but never in such a hiliarious way. I remember once when I was in high school and my grandmother was trying to wake me up. She was calling from downstairs for me to get up, meanwhile in my dream I was watching T.V. and I heard her telling me to turn it up - so I kept increasing the volume. I always had some weird dreams but I never had one as funny as the recent joint.

5 O'Clock World

It may not be a secret that I update my blog while at work. What is unusual is my lackadaisical attitude at the moment. I sit and don't do much. I only feel bad because I know the factors that contribute, but I always want to fight those things. Now I feel like I spend more time complaining than doing. It is true that I have more responsibility than authority. It is true that I work for stupid people who don't know what they need to do and are concerned with numbers more than the people they deal with. It is true that my hands are bound on a lot of issues and I don't have as many resources as I need. It is also true that a lot of what I do feels like a waste of time (and actually is). The problem is I'm not doing as much as I used to. See I ruin the bell curve. I'm the guy on your job that knows where the boss is messing up. I'm the one that has all the forms when everyone else runs out. I know the procedures and the guidelines. I can innovate on everything they would like done. They just don't have the vision to take in what you offer. The same things that they were told in high school is what they recycle. This is a different generation. I know that I am limited but I need to do all I can.


Death and Taxes

I have completed my taxes. Once again I am reminded of the farce that they are. Some of you may not feel this as much but as a young man who does not really own anything I am hit the hardest. I had someone staying with me for a few months but they are in with D.S.S. and caught up with other people claiming them so I couldn't use them...which would have been thousands more. While this money will help me to pay off some bills and have a little fun but I still feel ripped off. There should be extra deductions like...how many times have the police stopped you unjustly. I'd love to get a deduction for: stupid administrators dealt with or how many useless pieces of paperwork you had to wade through. I don't know. It just kills me that I get hit hard and don't really use city or federal services. They don't clean my street when it snows...hell they don't even throw any salt our way. I think the only service I really use is trash collection and as a single bachelor I don't make a lot of trash. On a regular basis I may need to take out my trash once every two weeks unless I throw away something that may generate an odor (like when I cooked salmon last week - geez that skin stinks). I can't even think of many city services I do use. I went to public school but for real they should send me some money cause P.S. sucks. I do drive on the roads, most of which need work and are being ignored. I read this article in the Citypaper about car insurance rates and how the determining process is unfair...I should get a deduction for that. Especially when a lot of the drivers I encounter, because I work near downtown, come from the county (you gotta read the article). Beyond that I know I should just be going down cause males 25 and under pay more anyway. I can't recall anything I get from the city. I can think of several things the city needs to improve on. What sucks with that is I either need a friend within the city to recommend me or an impressive ass Masters degree along with the chance to be seen then you still have to deal with politics.


Strangest Thing

My man came back from South Africa a couple months ago and he was with me when I got my reading. I've noticed that something weird has been happening. Everytime he asks me about someone I see them within a week. The first time he asked about someone it was very unlikely that I would just run across them. I had a training that week and she was one of the people running it. I didn't pay it any mind but I noticed that this has happened at least ten times in the last few months. I mean every single person he asks about I run across. I also thought about our personalities. He tends to intimidate people and the same folks seem to feel comfortable with me. He doesn't intentionally try to scare or intimidate people but it happens. I actually don't understand it. I know he can have an intense personality but it never bothered me. I recently joked that if we had a business we would alternate the representative. I would go if the person was in a good with us and he would go if they were in trouble with us. As it stands people are afraid to approach him. Those who are down with him respect him but those that aren't are usually scared in one way or another. I've noticed because of the response it's hard for him to deal with people, he needs buffers. I do know that it is a trait of Sagittarius to be very honest and he, I and another friend all share this sign. I learned from watching the both of them how people tend to react to this honesty. It often comes across as harsh but the intent was simply to be honest. Now I remain somewhat reserved. One outstanding thing I noticed was that in some of my spiritual readings they mention the connection between us and the fact that for his purposes he really shouldn't be out amongst people alot. I wonder if these are examples of how we should work together. Not only do I come across these people but they seem so glad to see me. All of them have stressed giving me their contact info as well as hugs and handshakes. I would say it's ill but that word wouldn't fit. It seems right, the better description would be it fits and that feels good to me. For all my lack of planning certain things I love when things fit into place. Can you say Mutual Symbiosis kids...I knew you could.



I have been in various debates about the war and G.W. lately and I don't think I ever posted anything here soooooooo....

Bush sucks...it's that simple for me. I don't see him as intelligent. While I did not like his father, I didn't think he was an idiot either. I just can't understand giving an idiot power. Well I actually do. I remember Bill Maher talking about political speaches and he said it comes down to saying the word that makes the hamster push the pedal. Morals...yes morals are good...Values...yup, we gotta have values. Bush won several states that are full of working class people. How is it (save the hamster theory) that working class people vote for a rich kid who never worked and has a history of looking out for big businesses instead of the working folks? Bush is like Dan Quayle with bigger balls and a hint of booze on his breath. Not only is he stupid, he's also cocky and doesn't care what people think. I feel when the president says public opinion doesn't influence him that's a red flag. You are a public servant. Consider it this way we formed govenrment as a way to help things run. We made shovels as a way to expidite digging holes. How is it that we end up on our knees with our hands in the dirt as our peers say "You don't understand the pressure the shovel has on him." Damn that. I think the president should be treated like what he is...an employee. He works for us. Why do people stand when he comes in. He's not a king. I don't respect the executive director more than front line staff, I don't think just "being" the president entitles you to any more respect. If anything I think we should scrutinize the actions and decisions of the president more than anyone. If I mess up in a big way at work, they fire me and correct the situation. If the president messes up he spends the money of the people he works for, risks/loses lives, changes the lives of the majority of the country. We should not have blind faith in anyone that can impact so many. If Superman were real he would be regulated and would probably have to register himself in some way. Mike Tyson (hell even some people I personally know) have their hands registered as lethal weapons because of skill/ability. Why should a person who holds a large amount of power just be trusted and believed in. The only person I have blind faith in told me you earn trust...this was my mother and while I do trust her, she put in 26 years worth of work...she earned it. Hell, I think cops have too much trust and power. Someone who only had to graduate high school can make a choice that could end or change my life forever. Even cops have people scrutinizing them, they have to fill out reports to justify the firing of their weapon. Meanwhile the president can assign someone to invesitgate the actions...of people he assigned to do something. I don't place that much faith in a person I do vote for. I have no faith at all in any other choice. I mean damn, I have to justify mileage at work even though what I get is not comparable to gas prices today. Here we have people saying we should support the decision of war by a man who never served or went to war. We should have faith in the fiscal decisions of a man who always had someone to look out for him and didn't "actually" earn the money he has. I won't be satisfied until we have a president who is of mixed race, grew up poor, once worked at a fast food restaurant, and needed scholarship money to go to school. I want a president who grew up with some people who are in jail. A president that has had to evade bill collectors. I need the Anti-Bush.

Barbers hate me as I walk by...

Random Hair shot.


D.C. club night hangover.


Club Driving

So I dip to D.C. last night and I realized that despite my lawful driving in the city, on the highway I change. The first image that comes to mind is the "Mr. Walker and Mr. Wheeler" Cartoon with Goofy (which was really an early nod to road rage). The thought hit me after my friend had passed out in the passenger seat and I realized I was almost doing 100mph. Now I know that part of it was because I told someone I could make the trip in 30 mins (35 going via I-495 and 25 coming back at 3:30a.m. via 295 - going too fast the whole way ha-ha). I may have had incentive this time but I realized that I always do this. I won't blame the late clubbin' or the remnants of alcohol in my system. I actually saw the speed limit on 295 and could not believe it was 55mph. I also realized I never knew the speed limit for 295. Fifty-five does seem wrong though...I mean come on. The funny thing is have only ever gotten parking tickets. I'm glad I don't have a car that's built to speed or I might get into real trouble. I wonder if I get to hit the Autobahn will I work this out of my system or will it get worse. I'd lean toward the latter considering that when I get off the interstate and back into the city it's hard to keep it under 45, which is already at least 15 over the limit. Ahhh...to be free. BTW Yahoo map directions suck! You're better off finding it yourself.


Life Goals

This is not a house, car and family list...different deal.

I want (mine, mine, mine, me, me, me)
  1. to be knighted by English Royalty
  2. some Japenese figure of power to have a sword made for me...and I mean a REAL sword - Japenese steel (I had this one before Kill Bill came out...BTW)
  3. to let loose a 1969 Black Mustang Convertible on the Autobahn. A couple trips and then off to Amsterdam for a month I won't remember.
  4. to verbally rip a president in a public forum.
  5. to kick the ass of someone like a Navy Seal ( someone trained well).
  6. to surf a big wave - not a Tsunami but a large storm driven wave.
  7. to be the Sade of Hip-Hop.
  8. to die having done or doing something truly noble.
  9. to be on Real Time with Bill Maher, P.T.I., the show of some jerk like Bill O'Reilly (and rip him).
  10. to become wealthy and NOT buy stupid shit I don't need or forget about a soon as I buy it.
  11. to get an honorary degree from the college I left.
  12. to revitalize a third world country.
  13. to successfully create cold fusion. (which could help #12)
  14. to win an award people covet and not accept it (not the nobel though).

A.Slim Dictionary (revision)

Fear Mantra

I got this from the movie Dune...

Fear is the mindkiller
It is the little death that brings total obliteration
I must face my fear
I will allow it to pass over me and through me
When it has gone past I will turn my inner eye to see it's path
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing only I will remain

Tales of Black Man

Alright, I was taught manners. I know that when walking with a woman a man should place himself in between other people and her purse. I know that you should place yourself in between her and traffic when dealing with streets. I know that when your approaching someone on the sidewalk you should each move to the right to make space for one another. Despite all of this I have more difficulty with people speaking to me in public. I regularly have people stare at me for an entire block, yet when we get into speaking range and I greet them they turn their eyes away and don't respond. The greetings I receive are of 3 varieties: the genuine hello, the I ain't scared of you what's up, and the please don't rob me hello. I am aware of the fact that several young men who may share similar hair style/texture and melanin content do commit violent crimes. However they usually don't wear ties, sportcoats and long dress coats (wool and cashmere baby - kinda Neo-ish). It does not matter how polite I am or what pleasantries I use, my response ratio is 1 in 10 and then there are the three variations to contend with. So out of 10 people I may speak to in a given day I get about a 3.33% genuine hello back. Regardless of the circumstances of the world, fear is no way to live. I'm a person, I bleed, have bodily functions and the whole nine. If you let your fear rule you than any intention to hurt you has already succeeded. By the time I actually do something you're in no position to defend yourself. I am not a tough guy. I can fight but I know that there are people who can whoop my ass and I keep that in mind. I also remember that if something actually happens, my fear is only good to put me on notice and perhaps give me some adrenaline (I can get adrenaline from anger though). I feel like there is no point in submitting to fear, it never helps. If you want to be scared of someone the guy who looks like he just left a boardroom may not be the person. The one I love most of all is the "look theres a black guy let me lock my car door". If I want your car that glass will not stop me, cut it out. I don't want your car. I'm thinking about my caseload, buying some property, how I will get me a Black 1969 Mustang convertible with Mag wheels, Chrome trim and pedals, and why I can't find a wool blazer with leather elbow patches. What's funny is I made a trip to get lunch before I finished this and got the stare down from some lady. What's worse is when I'm all dipped down young boys wanna mug me like I'm a punk. I can't tell you how many times I have to bump into dudes when I wear a tie. On the other hand if I dress down these same thugs won't look me in the eye. People often suck.



A concern of mine for the last few years has been the state of men in this county. This is a topic that I can never address because a lot of women seem to think I'm saying that life for them is all good. On the other side dudes never support me because they don't even recognize what I am saying. Some small examples would be: In a public forum I say women are smarter than men and I am applauded. In the same forum I say men are smarter than women and I'm a chauvinist. Then I consider things like the term metrosexual. My concern is if I'm not a metrosexual than am I a Neanderthal? The problem is the lack of respect towards women is accepted as a general male issue when it's not. My favorite reply to this is the same people who defined social positions for woman have their boots on the necks of poor men. It is an undeniable fact that women have been shat upon through out history, the problem is attempts to correct his cannot be handled by politicians passing laws. A law does not equate to respect amongst society which has been the real issue. I think we have skewed things so that non-wealthy men suffer while women still don't really benefit from them. There are reasons why football and porno are two of the biggest industries in America right now. As a whole men are considered not to have any culture. The biggest effect of this is seen in society. For instance there are several all female colleges while those for men are considered to have no purpose. In the work world women are begining to make more money and get better jobs...now men are competing with women for jobs. It doesn't seem like a problem until we consider that these same men can't get women without a job. Really the job things is nil cause everyone is competing with everyone. There's educated people of every race and gender having trouble finding work. The problem with women in the workforce is they are given jobs as an answer to feminist ideals but aren't respected anymore (hence sexual harrassment and the Wal-mart thing). It's like if a lady says "you really hurt my feelings." and my response is "Here's a cookie. See it's sweet." Physical things can't replace thoughts and feelings. Some of the most glaring examples are situations like this: I recommend every man at one time in his life take an opportunity to turn down sex. The reaction is crazy. You find yourself hit with accusations of homosexuality, impotence and all types of things. I said this to a women once and she asked what the situation was, if the girl was partially nude or what. My response was it shouldn't matter. This nation has taught me that if I'm in the middle of an orgy and women says no, I have to stop or it's rape. I respect that (although there could be a better time to say this isn't what you want) and it bothers my that I couldn't get the same respect. In a society where men are considered to be dogs, I shouldn't be disrespected when I don't follow through on that stereo-type. There also should not be questions of what the circumstance was if no means no. Speaking of sex, reproduction is the biggest of all these issues. To sum it up: For the first time in the entire span of human existance one gender controls the means of reproduction. Women choose whether or not to have a child, whether or not to keep it and whether or not the man will be involved (as in allowed to be physically present). The only choice a man has is if he will take the time he can get and if he'll bear the financial responsibility. Most men in this country do not know the love of a family, some by their own actions, some by the actions of others. The biggest issue is what does this cause? The financial thing is another issue. Let's say a man and woman have a child. The man looks out and provides even though they are not together and the woman is satisified with what he is doing. Now for whatever reason she is not working and needs more assistance. If she goes to Social Services for help she is required to turn him in to Child Support who in turn determines an amount for him to pay bi-weekly. The mother doesn't even get a say. Furthermore these agencies (in Baltimore at least) are run by private companies that receive a percentage. In terms of personal knowledge I used to work at C.S. and 90% of the people who work there are women who are in the system so there aren't alot of fair shakes. What's worse is I've heard women working there say things like, " I'll tell my son don't claim no babies." Keep the cycle going, huh? In addition most people don't realize that the system does this so they can hold the man accountable for funds spent in other Social Services programs that a woman may go through. Understand, I don't blame women, individually or collectively. I think that women deserve more than what they have gotten. I don't like the way government has tried to delegate things to satisfy them. It's like affirmitive action...most people don't realize that the biggest beneficiaries have been middle-class white women. What I don't like on the part of women are some of the hopelessly negative attitudes towards men. These, however, are just like negative attitudes towards a race or particular group of people. The difference is the sheer numbers involved with a negative attitude towards a gender. I don't like the way a lot of men are either. I for one don't know my father, I've spoken to him - tried to establish something - he's just a jerk. On the whole however I think women can solve a many of these issues. I see plenty of women with crutty ass dudes and it burns me up. I feel like men who don't act like responsible men shouldn't even be allowed access to a woman. Only women control that. My only recourse is to be the change I want and to speak on it. My problem is I'm more than just manual labor, a dick and some money. Right now that appears to be all the world and the law sees in me or is willing to acknowledge.