Dreams of a Post-Pubescent Hetero-non-Metrosexual Man

After I gained a certain amount of sexual experience I began to develop a list of things (or people) that I wanted to do in my lifetime. Some I have tackled and some are still goals for my future. ***Disclaimer - I am a respectful and intelligent young black man, but I got NEEDS***

1) Executress - (Semi-Check) I have posted before about my fondness for women in business attire and tennis shoes (lunch break). There is just something about a woman that looks like she is coming from a business meeting that does it for me. I want her to use a lot of office jargon in her seduction of me. Hopefully I could catch her right after she as fired someone. In a sense I've done this, but I don't feel I've fullfilled the whole fantasy.

2) Cop - This is a pure ego thing since I don't trust anyone enough to let them put handcuffs on me. For this to be complete I have to approach a Female Cop in uniform and on duty and when it goes down she has to come out of the uniform. The problem here is cops can be jerks and a lot of female cops can be...bitches. There's nothing worse than a smartass who can arrest you. Plus I want to say something raw in the introduction so it's a risky proposition.

3) Older Woman - (Check) I no longer have the same ideas when it comes to older women. They do have experience. They are not as timid. MOST of them know you gotta put your back into...no dead fish sex. Older women used to make me feel like I had to fight to stay on top. The problem is...at certain times they want to write you off cause you are younger and I'm to intelligent for that shit. Plus now I'm getting older so the prospect of an older woman isn't sexy when it covers the same distances as the past. My oldest was 31 when I was 18, I don't really want a 13 yer gap these days. Plus all of girlfriends have been older, save 1, and intelligent conversation is not a surety.

4)Former Manager/Supervisor - (Check) I giggle as I type this cause it is a fresh check off. Something about sexing a woman who had authority over me. It's former because I don't dip the pen in the company ink. Nothing worse then private life beef spilling into the workplace. I did resist the urge to swing my tie around like a lasso and yell - "Fuck the cover sheet on my TPS report!"

5)An reserved Indian woman - Not american, I mean indian from India. I love the accent for one. I find their native clothing sexy. Plus the brown skin and dark eyes and dark hair do it for me. If she has a henna tattoo that's a bonus but not a necessity. The bigger thrill would be to break through the reserved nature.

6)A sister from London...in London. I like the accent, what can I say. Most especially the accent of someone who's family is from the West Indies and has been living in London...the blend does it for me. In London because sex away from your hometown seems better and I know I have a good chance of getting a Guiness afterwards.

7)A Sista on an Island who can't speak english. I just love the thought of translation via physical interaction. Especially on an lovely island. We could do it outside and I could be cocky with someone who can't understand me.

8)Sade. But she has to sing to me afterwards and write a song about me.

9)Beyonce', but only cause she seems kinda stuck up. I'd turn in a multi-orgasmic producing performance and then tell her she is cut from the group. I could be wrong about her and if so I'll let her down easy. I hope she is though, I always wanted to dis someone post orgasm while naked with a glistening sort of sweat going.

10)A rising soulful singer. I could console her and remind her to stay true to her art. I'd be like a muse. She could write songs that only we know are about me, which would be her biggest hits. I'd sit in the back of smokey clubs drinking while she sings. We'd have to seperate at the height of her success but she'd always thank me in the liner notes (she'd call me Amadeo). Her greatest hit would a sad ballad song about the regret she had over not being with me, like Hello it's me. We'd also have lots of animal sex but that won't be the best part.

Pardon Me (While I burst into flames)

Mr. McGee...don't make me angry...

I'm generally peaceful but these are things that push me to then end of my sanity and prove the ignorance in people.

People like to touch dreadlocks. For the lovely ladies I don't mind but we still gotta know each other. Everyone else should realize that just because everyone you know doesn't have locks does not mean that it's o.k. to just touch them. I may cut someones fingers off the next time they find their way to my hair...fair warning. Perhaps I'll just start sticking my hands in other peoples hair and see how they like it. Keep your grubby's off. (Humanity Critic has this and another issue covered here.)

On that note...STOP GIVING ME LOCK MAINTENANCE CARDS! Once again if I don't know you your hands will not be going in my hair. Additionally, stop showing your hood ass up at open mics and poetry events cause you know you'll have a chance to hit us up with business cards! Piss off, I am not coming to your shop/salon/kitchen for you to do anything in my hair.

Pacifists - I will kill you first. It's not natural to be totally unwilling to fight in any situation. Animals only back away when they know they'll lose. I've had people tell me to stop pushing negativity cause I asked what situation would have them fighting. Just cause you say something to me doesn't mean I'll beat you down. Just don't say the wrong thing. I feel like this: Use your words to resolve a situation, keep in mind some people don't understand words...pain is universal. The guy who said the pen is mightier than the sword knew how to use a sword and would if he had to.

Stupid Drivers. I won't list their transgressions but ya'll know the deal. I want to go Road Warrior on these cats. To crush their cars and stand on their heads while I burn their license is a fitting end for these idiots. I read this on Blogthings - You know your in Baltimore when: If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. Then I'll ride away laughing as I run down pedestrians who stare me down when they cross the street - slowly.

Young "Hip-Hop" heads who crack slick about Kool Herc. I will strangle you with a Mic cord while I rip through you via a freestyle in which I document the pillars of Hip-Hop and break down why 1) Kool Herc is owed gratitude and respect. 2) Most of these cats today suck. 3) Melle Mel had some of the best and continually relevant verses ever - (I cite The Message and Ramo's Tribute - RAMO!) 4) The best things about Jay-Z are rarely discussed (business savy). 5) I am better than most of the platinum artisits out here even though I have only been on one recording in the last two years. (the freestyle should suffice as proof)

People who never believe that I'm freestyling. This hasn't happened in a while but dudes used to challenge me cause of my rep and then say I was kicking a written. Hey Dumb-ass, my written rhymes would never be used to battle unless I became a politician. I battled in the dishroom of Old Country Buffet (stopping work for about 10 minutes). I have even battled at 3am when all I wanted to do was go home and make a turkey sandwich. I don't need to kick a written to serve a stupid person like you.

People who say things like: George Bush will make america safer. George Bush is a safety hazard in a elementary school fire drill. The only thing he makes safer is the business interests of Multi-Million dollar corporations. When will these people understand that a President is a public servant and a middle man? Treat his ass like one. Question him like you do the person at McDonalds when you find out you have one pickle on your Big Mac instead of two.

People who wait for months in line to see Star Wars. Look I love the movies, I could live by the Jedi Code. I also understand I need to work and pay bills. Plus it's someone like me who is willing to take your spot in line the day tickets go on sale and mug you down while you piss yourself and look for security. It's a great movie but that's all it is, go procreate or something before I shove your Jedi Robe up your ass and then hang your $300 lightsabre replica on my wall. B.T.W. I was the one in the back row drinking a Guiness and correcting your analysis about the facts in between the 2 and 3rd episode.

People who say Rock and Roll is "white boy" music. Goddamn it, I hope Chuck Berry and Jimi Hendrix haunt your ass until the day you die. All rock music can be traced from these guys. Berry as the innovator and Jimi as the father of the modern forms. The only thing I might consider "white boy" music is a Toby Keith song or polka, maybe (Plug 3 did some dope shit with some polka on a De La interlude once). I will beat you with a burning Fender Stratacaster while "Welcome to the Jungle" plays in the backround.

Sick Time Wars

So I have seen the last Star Wars movie and been out for two days which has left me in a hazy state. I never feel right when I miss time from work. Anyway I present...

The Sick Day Top Ten:

1) To para-phrase my man from the Poemcees, "Walking around in my boxer drawers watching Sportscenter." Nothing makes me feel like I'm not working more than being in my boxers and Sportscenter.

2) Speaking to someone who is at work. This is a small portion of my crud...but it's mine and I embrace it. Along with this are comments like, "What, ya'll busy?, Oh ya'll needed my help today? - Yo go to (insert website here) and tell me if it's updated."

3) Cooking random shit. For some reason I rarely eat breakfast or lunch. The last times I ate breakfast a woman was involved. However, when I'm home for the day I always end up making something I don't make often. Yesterday it was cornbread. I didn't have an urge...I actually looked throughout the house to see what I could find and cornbread struck me.

4) Thinking up blog posts. I came up with 10 good ideas (this wasn't one of them). Some were struck from the list because Star Wars is on my mind too much having seen the last movie Friday. Blogging is taking me over. One of the first things I think when something happens is if it will end up on the blog or not.

5) Guilt/Regret. I was sick of work. Allergic to my desk. Whenever I do this around 1:00 I always think I would be getting off in a couple hours if I had went. The day always goes faster when you don't go to work. I also think I could be blogging and sending email.

6) Video Games. Nothing better than killing digital foes when not at work. Plus when I think of work I need to kill something. Nothing is better than violence and Executive Directors.

7) Old movies. I'll leave Star Wars out of this so I don't convert to full fledged geek. So how about Silverado. One of my favorite westerns with one of my favorite scenes of "fuck you racist pricks" when Danny Glover stops in a bar to get a drink.

8) NFL Network. I am a football junkie. I watch the draft, training camp reports and every bit of news I can digest. (Go Ravens!) The NFL Network is a must. Like last night I watched a show with interviews of and about the Steelers of the 70's. Those dudes were raw.

9) Drinking a beer in the middle of the day. I always go to these things for work and because we deal with young people my boss won't let me have a drink. (well once we went to Cheesecake Factory and I snuck over to Uno's and had a beer, plus the time we went to New York and I snuck off to the hotel bar). Somehow drinking one in the middle of the day feels like I'm being defiant. I also go over the drinking curriculm I want to install in this program. Rules like: Don't drink liquor that costs less than beer. No Malt liquor, etc.

10) Sleeping late. Nothing is greater than establishing that you are not going to work, rolling over and going right back to sleep. No greater luxury. It does throw me off but it feels lovely. The only thing better is doing this when there is a woman in your bed that doesn't have to leave.

Letting my Freak Flag Fly

He looks so normal...mostly.


The following is a list of things about me, that exclude me from being included in a conversation about normal people.

1. The other night I had a dream that Janeane Garofalo was pregnant with my child.
2. In the last 5 years out of 30 dreams I had, 20 of them involved vampires.
3. I have in my time talked, walked, and even done somersaults in my sleep.
   
4. I have played a war game wearing noting but Timberlands and a loin cloth.
   
5. I have crawled on my stomach through 30 yards of a bog.
   
6. Since I was a child I have not been able to control my laughter...and I sound like the Joker when I laugh.
   
7. If I was declared a saint or deity I would rule over obscure facts and information.
   
8. I could live my life by lessons from Star Wars.
   
9. As a child I could eat hot peppers whole without flinching (and I lived in Texas, these weren't citified peppers).
   
10. I would gladly shed everything I have and ride off into the woods on a Clydesdale with a Katana, a bow and arrows, leather clothes. First I'd kill a prominent politician and swing his head around (blood spraying on business dressed folks) and let out a guttoral roar. Then I'd say something cryptic like "Rosebud" and leave.
    
11. Capt. Morgan Spiced Rum and Colt .45 make me hurl.
    
12. I have split pints of Blackwatch Vodka and E&J Brandy on an empty stomach and felt fine.
    
13. Women in business attire and Tennis Shoes who look like they're going to lunch turn me on.
    
14. I once had a frog for 3 years. Once a year I thought it died but it continued living. I never named and then had the nerve to be sad when it died.
    
15. I can name 10 or more monsters that were in a movie with Godzilla.
    
16. When I was 3 my favorite song was "Mamma don't let your Babies Grow up to be Cowboys".
    
17. I wore Cowboy boots from 3 to 4. I lost them because I sealed one in a drum with an apple core and it molded over.
    
18. Before I was 3 I broke an ice machine, 2 toilets, 2 bar stools and other items larger than myself.
    
19. I once got my tongue stuck to the coils in a refrigerator...I watched a Christmas Story alot.
    
20. I used to run through the house with my head down and bang into the porch doors.
    
21. I never had an imaginary friend but I've talked to myself my entire life...I also have arguments with myself...outloud.
    
22. When I was little and afraid of the dark I thought I would be safe if I covered my head with the blankets and offered up my stuffed toy dog as a sacrifice.
    
23. Until after age 4 I could speak spanish and english equally well...now I can only greet, curse and ask if you want to sleep with me in any language other than english.
24. I used to practice my tagging and graffiti skills via my classwork as a result I don't remember how to write in cursive. My handwriting is a mix of tag and caligraphy.
25. I lived under the delusion that there was a vegtable called squish (little brother to squash) until I was 21 (Thanks Ma).
26. The only tennis I will buy are Adidas.
27. My food cravings will have me eating one thing for a month straight. (last time it was omelets with pepper jack cheese, portabella mushrooms, onions and red peppers)
28. I wrote recorded and performed a rhyme about breastfeeding.
29. I am adored by children and small animals but administrators don't like me.
30. College educated adults will read my name and then write it down totally misspelled.
31. I wait a month before going to see a movie so I can have 3 empty seats on either side of me.
32. If I didn't work with people I could go for days without speaking.
33. I was a ghost writer in elementary school but gave it up because I hated not getting credit.
34. The only movie montser that really scared me as Gremlins. Even if I was beating the hell out of one, stray spittle could produce more.
35. In middle school I was considered an Oreo (black on the outside, white inside). In High School people thought I had connects with the Jamaican Mafia.
    

Golden Oldies?

Will we be Hip-Hop-smoothed-out-on-the-R&B-tip-with-a-geritol-feel-appeal-t0-it?


My co-worker is older than me so she usually rocks an adult station on her radio. I fully support this cause if I had to hear 92Q I'd kill four people. As I'm listening I hear songs that are from my mothers generation and before, but I also hear alot of Prince, New Edition and basically songs that are from my time. This has lead me to wonder, what will the oldies stations be when I'm over 45? I assumed that I'd be rocking (in my chair) to old New Edition and Early Rakim or Jodeci...I think you feel me. I'm expecting those songs that I knew throughout my school years. The more I listen a fear has began to build in me. I have a deep paranoia that I'll end up listening to the radio music that keeps me using my C.D. player in the car. Here are some songs that have to be on my oldies station(*) and songs that shouldn't make it(x).


Jodeci - Come and talk to me - I remember this summer as the summer of the digits. Dudes were jumping out of cars at red lights gettin numbers. This song has made some babies. *

Sisqo- The Thong Song - I can't have my grandchildren associate this song with me. (side note two of my friends from high school used to throw pretzels at Sisqo when he worked at the Fudgery - that is a story I'm willing to tell my grandchildren). x

Soul II Soul - Back to Life - Even to this day when the a capella intro to this is played me and the whole room start clapping and instantly break out into dance when the beat drops. I might not be able to dance at that time but so what.*

Lil Jon - Get Low - All I can think of is Chris Rock. "Where'd you meet mommy?", "Oh she was in a club singing about balls."x

Mint Condition - Pretty Brown Eyes - Quit breaking my heart? Of course this has to be played. Classic joint.*

R. Kelly - 12 play and on - I may be cutting out some good songs but I can't have my grandchildren associate my with songs like - "You remind me of my Jeep" and "Trapped in the Closet". It ain't happening. x

R.Kelly and Public Announcement - Any song - Slow Dance, Dedicated and so forth I can take these joints. *

Michael Jackson - Blood on the Dance Floor to Present - I may allow Butterflies but the rest is a down hill journey. Plus I know the result of the trial will come up when you hear Mike in 20 years. x

Micheal Jackson - Dangerous and Before - Dangerous isn't that full of an album but I'll take it cause of Remember the time. *

C&C Music Factory - Gonna make you Sweat - I will not be associated with M.C. Freedom. x

Ralph Tresvant/B.B.D./Johnny Gill/Bobby Brown - A lot of good songs plus the New Edition Transfer. Must haves. *

Kriss Kross - anything - Hell no. If the grand children find out I will deny this. x

Hi-Five - The Kissing Game - Yet another school boy crush song. I have to take this. *

Paula Abdul - Anything - I plead the fifth. I think she was on some show grandson. I can't remember. x

En Vogue - Everything - I used to have a crush on Dawn from En Vogue! I miss ya'll. Dawn baby, I loved the Lucy Pearl joint, give me a call. *

Vanilla Ice - anything (did he have more than one song?) - Look kids we all go through crazy times in life, I mean I never liked him. He is associated with my generation. Gather around and I'll tell you about what Suge Knight did to him!!! x

What's a song ya'll need to hear and what will you cringe at?

Police Bitch Slap Local Thugs w/Hip-Hop

If you watch ESPN you may have heard of the "Stop Snitching Video". Basically this is a video in which several stupid criminals are basically running down how they will kill dudes for snitching. They even name some dudes and the strips where they're at. The video became famous nationally because Carmello Anthony was in one of the clips talking about how he would put money on a dude's head. Now, I had a problem with Carmello because I understand coming back to the hood. However, once you are a national figure who makes millions; certain things you just shouldn't do. My bigger problem, that I tried to convey to my clients was: CRIMINALS DON'T MAKE VIDEOS! As someone over 25 who has committed a crime or two in his lifetime and watched several gangster/underworld types of films, I know you don't create evidence. Everything I know about this video smells of evidence. Dudes pulling out guns, talking about who they plan to get. Dudes flashing wads and letting people know that you're not doing it if you have no foreign money. From what I have seen and heard of the video the image that instantly comes to mind is a prosecutor saying, "Your honor we can clearly see the defendant brandishing his firearm and nameing the deceased as his intended target." As a matter of fact if I've learned anything from movies there is only one time when you create evidence: when you plan to frame someone. I have a lot of problems with local "thugs" (criminals are smarter), but this is equal to making sure you leave finger prints on all of the weapons you fire and never leaving the house without 50 vials in your pocket. To date a majority of the people in this video have been arrested, including the camera man! The true slap in the face is this: The police made their own video called "Keep Talking". This video encourages local community members and snitches alike to turn in their local hoodlums and "keep talking". The biggest slap in the face is the fact that the backround music in the cop's video is "Shook Ones" by Mobb Deep. Imagine as that after a cop says, "Keep talking, we need your help to put these criminals away", Prodigy's voice rises in the backround - "They shook - ain't no such things as half-way crooks scared to death and scared to look." My local thugs have done something so stupid it allows the cops to actually bitch them and come off hard! What the hell! Get it together thugs! I don't agree with your methods and I know the majority of you are stupid, being that we've seen the same movies and you didn't learn from them. I cannot believe though, that you have allowed the cops to come off as hard. They are even giving out not cards to suspects telling them to go to a social service agency and get help or they will be going down. When the cops look cool...damn those stupid thugs.

The Rules of Cool

Like Red Stripe Beer Helps their ugly friends look good, I'm here to help the lames.

"It's Niggas in my city that just as lame as you." - Common

Suggested by Goldi. Written by me. Made possible by grants from common sense and my ego.

I had to revise this so they may not be the same...but cool people handle change well.

Redundant as it may sound, you can't be cool if you fly off the handle. Stay Cool. Kirk out via your blog. People don't mind your madness when they can close the browser window and be done with it.

Network; to pull off cool shyt you gotta know people.(Getting in free and all other type goodies)

If more than 5 people are wearing it in one place it's no longer cool (ex: Pink clothes on men) I, personally, didn't like Cameron's pink explosion - but it was semi-cool cause it was different. Once I saw a group of dudes wearing pink it ended. Cool people stand out.

Handle your booze! Nothing is worse than a person who can't handle what he/she orders. My personal preference is to avoid sweet drinks. Go to a club and find the drunkest stupid asshole, I bet they were drinking some sweet shyt. Hard liquor let's you know when you're done.

Name Brands mean nothing...except for some shoes,most name brands do not denote quality. The only "names" clothing-wise that signify cool are those of fabrics: silk, linen, irish linen, seer sucker and so forth. It's not cool to pay for someones name.

Respect and recognize the classics (music, clothing, movies, etc.); anything that is a classic is for a reason.

Cool people aren't stupid. You can't be cool if you never know what people are talking about.

Observe the situation. To truly be cool you can't be surprised alot. See what's happening so that you can turn situations to your advantage or head off bullshit. Knowing the personalities of others also helps you understand what stimuli will effect who and how. Think Carlito's way.

Cool people should have as many associations as possible and as few affiliations as possible. Less chance of getting dragged down in bull and greater ability to gather info and favors. Additionally a cool person is like The Rock: The People's Champ.

Cool people keep their emotions in check, either way. It's not cool to get caught up and do some dumb shyt cause you stopped using your common sense.

It's cool to go against the grain. Never do something because people think it's cool. To quote myself: I'd rather piss in the wind than turn the other cheek, you may get hit either way, but at least it's reciprocity. Never get into a bad spot because of an idea other than yours.

Code Switch. The ability to react in a manner consistent with where you are. Firm handshake in the boardroom. Strong dap on a street corner. King James to slang and back.

IT IS NOT COOL when you mistakenly erase part of your post and can't remember the rest. I lost points.

It is cool to blame blogger and move on. Got my points back.

It is cool to know that what people think about you may effect you. It's not cool to worry about it.

Set the standard. Public perception of cool changes from city to city. True cool is excepted in most fine establishments like American Express (Cool people don't need American Express). Besides...cool breezes do what they feel.

ME and BLOGGER are having issues.

Things Every Child Should Know

Pleasure and pain.


This post made me think about my glorious youth and a couple things that I loved in my youth and the fact that young cats don't know about, either sucks or makes a good joke for me.


1) School House Rock - Refer to the link above...it speaks of my pain.

2)Dukes of Hazzard - This show helped me realize a few things: classic cars kick ass, the cops suck and I never wanted to use my car doors. The bad thing is when I grew up and found out what the hell the flag on top of the car meant in addition to who "General Lee" was. Dammit Luke and Bo, how could you - they probably took the it's part of our history line. The other thing I'm conflicted about that came from this show is Daisy Dukes. Liked them at first but the more I see young girls with them on (especially getting closer to an age when having a daughter is more possible)....brrrrrrr.

3) Dungeons and Dragons - It's not just a game that nerds play with 20 sided dice. It was one of my favorite cartoons. My only problem was...how come none of them had a sword. Eric was a punk so I didn't care that he just had a shield and Diana was a an amazon goddess.

4) This post covers alot of good toys but I have to Mention G.I. Joe. I don't know how many people were really down but let me say this; I sent away for the Willam "Refrigerator" Perry G.I. Joe action figure. He had a mace and the striking end looked like a football. I had SGT. Slaughter, but when I stopped watching wrestling he didn't mean much anymore. Plus now that the Fridge is losing various "eating" contests I wish I still had this reminder.

5) Kids Incorporated - This joint seems corny as hell now but one of it's members gives me a good story. Some of you may have heard Eminem's song " Toy Soldiers", well the hook that he sampled was a single from the original oldest girl on (Markita) from Kids Inc. I hear dudes rocking that song and I bust out laughing cause all I can think of is: K-I-D-S, YES! On another note the black kid who you may know as Rahsaan Patterson was the first person I ever saw who had my first name.

6)Beat Street - This is manditory for every child born after the conception of Hip-Hop. I get into with the young people at my job cause they all listen to what passes for Hip-Hop and don't know who Kool Herc is. I told them if Hip-Hop was the Mafia we would all be paying Kool Herc a tributary. To quote Blackthought, "Emcees still ain't showed loyalty yet, Kool Herc ain't never get a royalty check."

7)The World Class Wrecking Crew - If you don't remember them or them being brought up when dudes was beefing with Dr. Dre for previously wearing the full body sequin suit; you'll just have to google the name. This collective experience taught me something about music and marketing and to not put alot of faith into someone's image.

8)Scooby Doo - not this new crap but the old joints. Everything I needed to know I learned from Scooby Doo: Drugs (them scooby snacks ain't just cookies!), Gays (We could tell about Velma, but Fred and the Neckerchief - c'mon). Punks (Scrappy seemed tough but when they didn't snatch him up he would break out too, the little ones always got the most mouth). The Final lesson - an old white man is probably behind it all.

9)Atari - I'm on these boards where there is a mixture of adults and teenagers talking about video games. The young cats always bitch, moan and complain. They need to go back and play some Atari. The graphics we used to think were the joint would be laughed at but despite that we loved it. Appreciate what you have! They also need to go back and play that E.T. game...then they wouldn't bitch about how so many games suck now. From E.T. running around to picking up hookers and pulling drive-bys in GTA oh the times they are a changing.

10) My final one everyone may not feel: Mr. Rogers. I dug his show but on top of that he was pimped out! Think about his voice and that laid back demeanor...can't you picture him pulling up the ladies, "Hey baby would you like to be my neighbor?" Plus dude kept his gear up, like all of you at one time had a pair of kicks you would take off and wash with a toothbrush. Well Mr. Rogers would come in take of the jacket and shoes, throw on his sweater and his house kicks. Some people liked Capt. Kangaroo, some did Sesame Street; Mr. Rogers was my man.

The Best Music to Live or Die to.

Sade is a goddess, worship her appropriatley. (Because it's her this is art...It's art I said.)

As a resident artist, emcee, lover and dreamer (yes I've been watching Manhattan Melodies) - music is a large part of my life. The following are some of my favorite songs listed by the feeling/circumstance they correspond with.


New Relationship:

Sade - Kiss of Life - This joint is a good begining song. You can dance to it, make love to it and any other thing with a new lady you want. "When I was led to you, I knew you were the one for me." Sade covers a lot of ground but this is a great spark it off song.

Tony Toni Tone - Just Me and You - Great nostalgia song. I'm not that old but this is one I need playing on the oldies station in about 20 - 30 years. It makes me think of when I was a little guy trying to get the girls (and failing). Plus association with Boyz N the Hood makes it a classic, C'mon Brandy!

The System - Don't Disturb this Groove - This was a song they used to play on those late night love request joints, but I had to steal it online just to find it. "Hang a sign upon the door...." Another great joint from when I was a young lad. If you don't know you better you ask.

School Boy Crush -

Troop - All I Do is Think of You - "I can wait to get to school each day and wait for you to pass my way". What more do I need to say? This was one of the ultimate I'm a get that girl songs.

New Edition - Cool It Now - "Every day I walk her home from school." How can I not include this on the list? I won't mention that me and my cousins used to do the scene from the video when everyone turns their heads to their name: Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike!

Shanice - I Love Your Smile - Yet another when I was young man song. It meant more to me then but I had to put it here.

Let's get with the Lovin'

Sade - Haunt Me - Now you can get down to a majority of Sade music but this is one of my favorites. This ain't a bang it out session song. It's more of a kissing all over type of joint.

Aaliyah - At Your Best - Now I love the Isley's but this was a remake that I truly loved. The beat is what really makes it a viable soundtrack for the horizontal bop.

Portishead - Glory Box - This joint is the perfect turn it up and do your thing song. I estimate that when the guitar rift hits you would want to be in the midst of a good grind, as well as on the drum break.

I'ma die cause she left -

Otis Redding - I've Got Dreams to Remember - This is a "God Dammit why did you do this woman - type of song. "I know you said he was just a friend but saw him kiss you again and again. These eyes of mine they don't fool me, why did he hold you so tenderly?"

Sade (you knew she was going to pop back up) I Never Thought I'd See the Day (I knew I'd need a miracle to make you stay) and Slow Bullet (just imagine a bullet slowly ripping through your body...I wish more emcees wrote like her) - Different types of songs but both allow you to curl up and die in a corner equally well.

Rolls Royce - Love Don't Live Here Anymore - No matter the remakes or who sings them, there is nothing like the original version of this song to remind you you're a loser.

Portishead - Nobody Loves Me - Not like you do, Nuff said.

Michael Jackson - She's Out of My Life - When you hear his ass wimpering in this song you know shorty was the one.

Sweetback - Hope She'll be Happier - For those who dont know Leroy Osbourne is a bad man and the only person I've ever seen or know of to back up Sade. This song makes me want to hear him shine some more.

I'm better off without her -

Ziggy Marley - There She Goes - It's funny that I used this to get over the girl who put me down with it. Best line- "All the days I wasted with you, if I counted be a million or two."

Nina Simone - You can have him (I don't want him) - When she breaks down the list of "all she ever wanted to do" you know dude is missing out. I'll just say to the ladies if you ever say you want to do the following for me you may never get rid of me: Run my fingers through his curly locks/Mend his underwear and don his socks/Fetch his slippers and remove his shoes/Wipe his glasses when he's read the news/Rub his forehead with a gentle touch/Mornings after when he's had a little too much/Kiss him gently when he cuddles near/And give him babies one for every year

John Waite - I aint Missing You at all - This song is kind of a lie but when he gets to the chorus you feel justified.

Depression Songs

Guns and Roses - November Rain - Despite the fact that Axl is an ass this was a great song, as were many of theirs. The long version makes me feel like I'm going through something.

Most of Portishead - What can I say, these cats make music that facilitates a melancholy mood.

Marvine Gaye - Sad Tomorrows - Perhaps I should put this in a section for drug addiction, but I want to sit and be sad when he trails of at the end "I did the best I could, nobody understood."

Ghetto Living

Sade - Clean Heart - This is like The Other Side of the Game (E. Badu) before it came out. It makes me think of good people I know who got caught up. "And as the moon slid up over the restless streets /Sirens mocking and people stop to see/ Their greedy eyes don't realize He's someone's son/ Finger on the trigger for the years to come."

Donny Hathaway - Little Ghetto Boy - This is a joint I think about at work. "All your young life You've seen such misery and pain The world is a cruel place to live and it ain't gonna change "
Gil Scott Heron - Living in a Bottle - "Preacher man tried to help her out, she cussed him out and hit him in the head with a bottle." Yup that's the hood.

Rick James - Ghetto Life - I forgot for a while that Rick James made alot of good songs. Thanks to Grand Theft Auto: Vice City's Soundtrack for reminding me.

Groove Theory - Come Home - This is (IMHO) one of the best please-get-out-of-the-streets-songs.

Unrequited Love

Groove Theory (remake)- Hello it's Me - Todd Rundgren made this and The Isley's remade it but I love the way Amel does this one. "Maybe I shouldn't think of you as mine".

The Temptations - Just my Imagination - It kills me when they go through the whole prayer abot not taking away her love only to come back and realize that he still doesn't even know her.

Lionel Richie - Hello & The Police - Every Breath You Take - now these are about unrequited love but they also double as Stalker theme songs. Good songs but as soon as the law changed they became suspect.

The "Other" Corner

HBO it's time to write the check, I give you...The Other Corner.

Perhaps some of you are familiar with Baltimore via Homicide or more recently The Corner and The Wire. First I'll say that as small as B'more actually is I know people who have been portrayed in those joints and people who have acted in them. The places that have been filmed are spots where I used to hang at, know the people who hustle there, and even grew up around. However there are still some things missing, hence my new special.


This store is my view all the live long day. It is the Hub of activities in a universe that is like Seinfeld with junkies. First off, Dudes hustle out of, next to and in the alley behind this store. Cops, undercover and uniformed, get their freebies out of here. Junkies mill around, people trip out and I get to see it all.

The Players -

Hustlers (Limpy, Sweaty, and Pills) - Ahh the intrepid entreprenuers, street pharmacists and dumb asses. Now I have moral issues with the dealing of crack, but more than that I hate stupid criminals. Foremost because my building has cameras placed on it by the Community Saftey commitee, meaning all of their actions are recorded. Second, these dudes are BOLD. I know it's an open air drug market but god damn. From this building I have witnessed over 100 individual deals. I know where the stash is and I know who is the main man, the runner and server. The funny thing is the runner is Limpy (I named him that, around here they call him Crip) who has Cerebral Palsy and one of his legs is messed up. This is the guy that hits the stash and I hear he can run but I can't see him getting out of that little spot quick enough to dodge the cops. Don't let someone try and take him off I'm kicking out the messed up leg myself. At least these guys are equal opportunity employers. The main dude chills in the store most of the day wearing the same types of clothes so you can always spot him. Sweaty actually was a client of mine but he stopped attending before I came on here and I could never get him involved again. This is an all day thing, yesterday they had like 10 junkies on the corner hittin' em off. I should not know this much about their operation but I do.

The Junkies (ever changing cast) Junkies are always sad, funny, nasty, wild and just a sight to see. Since this street is the first you can hit when coming in off I-95 into the city, we get alot of county business. They roll in pick up and get back on the interstate to go home and enjoy their high. The area actually won Best Open Air Drug Market in the City Paper annual Best of Baltimore Issue. Black, white, male, female, clean, dirty, rough, neat, and so on. Every type of junkie comes through here. Just the other day my co-worker let out a squeal because a woman was getting "sick" on the steps next to the store. Limpy was yelling at another junkie to move her from the spot before she made it hot. Not only was this woman sick, looking bad, and barefoot. She was about 6-7 months pregnant. Then there is the Young Buck, this rough looking white guy who may be about my age and is always trying to sell me some shit. One of my clients bought a dope ass laptop from him for $80 last summer. There are also the Hot Dog ladies who deserve their own section.

The Hot Dog Ladies (Cussing you out for over 40 years!) This is a mother/daughter team that get's high, drinks, enrolls in treatment and starts the whole process over again a couple weeks later. They are often cussing out each other or any other random person on the block. The Hot Dog Ladies got their title because of an incident at the annual block party. There is always free food on the grill for the people in the neighborhood. As someone is starting to cook the mother goes off because no one will give her a hot dog (even though they are not done). "I WANT GOD DAMNED HOT DOG! GIVE ME A MOTHERFUCKING HOT DOG.!" The Hot Dog Ladies are always cussing at someone. Once when there was Ice on the ground they were walking and the mother fell...the daughter turned around and asked if she was alright. The mother jumped up yelled, "FUCK NO BITCH" and slapped her in the face.

The Dirty Underwear Consortium (accepting applications currently) The D.U.C. is like a organization connected to the Hot Dog Ladies. This is a group of about 5 or 6 dudes that dig in trash cans and bum change on Martin Luther King Blvd. All of them have beards, scullies and long dirty winter coats. Their leader wears an old Carhart winter jumpsuit with duct tape around the knees. These dudes are normal 60% of the time, but when they hit MLK they all look starved and half crazy. They recently took on a new member. He has the scully and the winter coat but his beard isn't as long and his coat isn't as dirty.

The Dog House This is down the street a couple blocks but it's part of the spice. This is a house that has SEVERAL residents. On warm days the entire residence is emptied out onto the street on chairs, steps and even standing. A majority of them will bum cigarettes from you. One resident is a dirty brown dog with matted hair that sleeps in the middle of the sidewalk, in the gutter and under cars. It's called the Dog House because that is the odor that wafts out of the house during these warm days. it actually smells like 10 dogs live there. The Dog House is located next door to the residence of the Hot Dog Ladies.

Frozen Crack Stand This is a pleasant spot around the way. It's basically a snowball stand, but it's so much more. These snowballs are the shit. I mean like someone who comes from the east side of town to collect our paperwork stopped and had one once. Afterwards she would travel 20 mins. across town and stand in a 20 person line for these joints. I used to crack jokes on people out of my window. "They got you now, you in their pocket." I'm not blowing this out of proportion either. Them joints are good as hell. Enough syrup so you don't end up with a whole lot of ice and no flavor. Straight up the best snowballs in a snowball kind of town. In the summer people stretch down the street in a line for these things. People from offices come and buy 4 and 5 at a time. Half my co-workers are hooked. I'm exercising extreme self control by avoiding them. Plus I hate to walk around with sticky lips and the look of extreme joy in my eyes the shit is that good.


So until I sell the rites to HBO I will be monitoring The Other Corner for even more stories. I have plenty more but I'm at work so until next time, enjoy.

Pecking Order

Being that I work with people younger than myself, not always by much, I always draw comparisons between how things used to be and the rapid changes that have occurred. Even though I know I am at an age where fighting is frowned upon, it's something I miss. I cleary blame the changes on the combination of Crack and Guns. I remember when it was rare for someone to have or use a gun. Those who were willing were clearly identified amongst people. Since a fist fight was the only true "conflict resolution" the make-up of a neighborhood was clearly defined. Adults, Big boys and little boys. Straight criminals aren't included cause everyone had to look out for them. During these times a majority of the people I got into fights with eventually became friends. The best part of the whole thing was that after people have fought you understood the order of things. There were certain people who could just scrap and you did not fuck with them. Then there were moderate fighters. These guys are like lower ranked boxers, they could win or lose so mostly they tried to chill. At the bottom were those who would get their ass kicked. These guys for some reason seemed to have cool toys and things that would make chill people hang with them and assholes try to pick on them. It's a symbiotic relationship. The lowest rank tried to have a friend on the highest to avoid ass-kickings via the friendship. These ranks then fit into the previous three as adults don't mess with big boys and little boys. Big boys don't mess with adults and may occasionally pick on little boys, but another big boy would kick your ass if you do that too much. Little boys, well they only get to fight each other and rise up against the occasional big boy asshole. During these "golden years" things were pretty cool. This was back when you rolled downtown with everyone you could get to avoid the worse thing around...getting jumped (or banked as we like to say). The emergence of guns has disrupted this system of existence. Now if you can shoot you can run something. Even if someone could kick your ass you can still shoot them. It means no one really has to respect anything. It's kind of like my thoughts on Viagra being the same as steroids in baseball. It's even worse than the Wild West. There if you proved to be quick on the draw, people might want to try you but they would respect your skill and be hesitant to become an example. At least with fighting you could lose but give it a good effort and earn someones respect. In the gunplay era taking a bullet will just mean that they have to try and get you again. As funny as it may sound I miss fighting. I miss being able to beef and walk away from it, win or lose. I miss people enforcing a head up fight. I miss people squashing beef after a fight. I wish the world was less like The Killer and more like The Warriors. Those dudes were hardcore and all they did was kick peoples ass. No guns. They didn't even carry weapons. They kicked your ass and took yours from you. So, children of the world, thugs of all ages - let's watch The Warriors, have a rumble and then drink some beers.

Reasons why I am an Icon (but go unrecognized due to lack of national exposure).

I wear my sunglasses because of the residual effects of the glow...crack wise and you will kiss my converse.


I am an icon. Not because I said so but because it is a fact. I do have an ego but that has nothing to do with this (maybe a little). In addition to my icon status, for a nominal fee I can make anyone an icon within a 30 day time period (Offer only good in local areas no national notoriety is implied no refunds are available if your personal actions should ruin your status.)

Clothing

• Trendsetting - Perhaps you have noticed how Seersucker has taken off in the last couple of years? Well I started that. Don't believe me I don't care. Back in 2002 I was considering fashion trends and what had not been brought back and it hit me. Seersucker! The Mark Twain look is the shit! I even told a co-worker so that someone would know. I started making my purchases and about 8 months later it was on. Jcrew, GAP, Banana Republic and other stores began stocking en masse. I knew it was the move when I saw elders rocking the Seer once again. I started that, me.
  
• Blazers and Suits - Months before Kanye West dropped and the respectable look became fashion. I was contemplating my advancing age. I thought "You know I need to reflect this in my gear". Plus being that I perform as a Hip Hop artist I wanted to differentiate myself from others. On top of that I have a Rat Pack fixation so I thought suits and sportcoats! I bought a flask to I don't show that off as much. Then Kanye dropped, now even the little thugged out dudes around my way will pop up with sport coats on. Dammit.
  
• Shades - I have touched on this but I wear my shades all the time. Technically my eyes bothered by flourescent/unnatural light and I do get headaches. But, honestly it just seems cool. Plus when people get bothered by it and I remain calm it pushes my zen points through the roof.
  
• Cufflinks - My whole beef with this is that while dudes are rocking french cuffs, they are keeping the fake joints in the cuffs. Buy some real Cufflinks son, that's half the point of the shirt! My other beef is after I started flexing mine I hear about Usher showing off his diamond studded chumpies. Mine are cooler because they're individual.
  

Attitude

• In one word, Zen. Nothing pushes you up as much as staying cool in every situation. My main philosophy...feel no way. Not that I am an emotionless prick, but I don't let me feeling about a particular situation dictate my reaction.
  
• I'm a fun loving, easy going guy. Adored by animals and small children. I am the type of guy that your mother wants you to be friends with and or date. I spread cheer, buy beers and tip well.
  

Artisitic Tastes

• I can know the words to "The Message" by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five as well as "Flash's Theme" by Queen (from Flash Gordon the Movie).
  
• The three C.D.'s getting the most rotation by me are: A song that includes me, My man Ogun's joint, and the new Green Day.
  
• I know who Jean Michel Basquiat and Rembrandt are.
  
• I can make a definitive argument why Rock and Roll is not "white boy music" using Chuck Berry and Jimi Hendrix. I own X-Men and Spiderman comics in additon to the Count of Monte Cristo and the Collected works of William Shakespeare.
  

Celebrity

• I was named after two famous Jazz Musicians (Rahsaan Roland Kirk and Amhad Jamal).
  
• I may only claim a few friends but I have over 300 associates and am known by more people than I care to be.
  
• I set it off on a whim. The first to dance at several occasions(except for line dancing - I abstain on principle). I actually considered having a business where me and my peoples would come to your party and get everyone worked up into a dancing frenzy for a nominal fee. We did for free for years anyway. I have set it off in every state I have been to.
  
• I have had people drop my name...while talking to me.
  
• Free entrance into social events. I used to do things to get into events for free but in recent times have gotten on to lists because I had stopped coming for months at a time. Call it a social strike. Also I never get into arguments with an unfamiliar doorman about the fact that I should be on the list. Nothing looks more stupid than someone yelling, "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?!?! Drop your doe and get it back from the person who has authority that ACTUALLY knows you. I also big up the person who made me pay so they have no sour feelings about the situation.
  
• I have become more known for not saying anything than for actually talking. Over a thousand people at Morgan recognize me because I only offered cordial greetings and chilled in the back round.
  
• I am one of two brothers who are probably the only men in existence to record a song about breast feeding.
  
• Hosts, Bouncers, and Doormen know me well.
  
• I can (honestly) name drop: KRS One, Common, The Last Poets, Biz Markie (twice), The Cold Crush Brothers, Niam Akbar, and more but I don't (Whoops - I just did, didn't I).
  

Now that I have stated my case, this is my plan to make you an icon as well.

1. Introductions to Hosts, Bouncers and Bartenders and Doormen. If these people know you than everyone else assumes that they should too. Plus getting in free wins you points. Networking baby!
   
2. Exercise a talent. Poetry is popular, Singing...is natural, Hip-hop will work. If you can't do any of these I am willing to ghostwrite...for a nominal fee.
   
3. For Gents: get to know the ladies without being "associated" with one that is constantly present. For Ladies: Dudes will be checking you out anyway just don't get "associated" with the wrong ones.
   
4. A regular regimen of BBC, The Daily Show, ESPN, and various internet news sources. Agiility in any conversation is a must.
   
5. Be fashionable on your own terms. Basic rule if you see two random people wearing something, don't buy it. Make people go look for what you have on and then stop wearing it.
   
6. Spout random odd facts...I can't say why this will help but due to my inner geek and the fact that I sometimes don't pay attention to what's being said I do this and I think people just consider me as trying to be profound.
   
7. Do a Silent Bob. The less you say the more most people try to fill the void with words. You find out a lot and it make people feel like you're listening to them. Plus when you speak people will listen and even when you say something mundane it seems deep.
   
8. Watch and listen to all things non-mainstream...when folks bring things up and you can reference it it makes them feel connected to you.
   
9. Know the person on the top and the bottom. I call this the people's champ. Some people know the President of the University, some know the janitor. He who knows both shall rule.
   
10. Do something or take a stance that everyone may not like. It will set you apart and not caring what other people think will bring respect. Basically you stuck with what you felt. Just don't pick the wrong thing. I can prepare a list of topics...for a nominal fee.
    

Viagra Doomsday (or Evolution vs. Enzyte)

A little blue pill has replaced personality. I remember when in order to get and keep some ass dudes would have to flex their inividual attributes. Some guys were funny, some were cool and some were smooth with the ladies. When it came to sex talent levels varied so dudes tended to specialize. Well the fate of the world is changing with something worse than steroids in baseball. Viagra, Cialis, Enzyte, et cetera, et cetera. Becoming a monster in bed is just a pill away. While most ladies I know don't seem to mind, I am here to warn you of the first sign of the apocalypse. Men from 16 to 60 running around with perpetual erections. Now I may feel for a guy who is up in age that just wants the gear to work for him. The rest I label cheaters. Yes cheaters. There was a time when a guy could be recognized for his exceptional performance. Now, similar to an exceptional athelete, the cloud of...viagra hangs over our heads. Woe unto all of us for we may be struck down in the court of public opinion should we exceed expectations. Gone are the days of recognizing someone who is talented as that talent can be achieved with a little blue pill. This will eventually break down society. Imagine a million senior citizens running around with erections and devilish grins in their eyes. Imagine a society of men who look like this... Personalities will begin to degrade. You don't have to work on other aspects of your personality to keep your lady when you can pop a pill and become a sexual god. Ecstasy will fast become the drug of choice as combinations of it and viagra make instant trips to Nirvana for women all over the world. Will I never be appreciated for my special talents? Will standout performances be expected rather than cherished. Were my record keeping glances at the alarm clock all for naught? I mean imagine what a man with a 12 inch dick would feel if he woke up and suddenly everyone was eleven inches? Would his natural extra inch mean anything? I would warn the users of the little blue devil...you have only so much blood in your body and when it flows to one place it leaves another. You can't use both heads in tandem...not well anyway. I call out you frauds!!! Those who have gone from Clark Kent to Superman in one swallow. I denounce you for I am Batman without his utility belt. No gadgets, no devices, just me and my determination. My unrelenting quest to put a smile on a woman's face with nothing but my technique and stamina. The Natural. The skinny home-run hitter. As I rage against the machine like John Henry, my only regret is that many young men will never bother to develop a personality or exercise their humor because they have instant gratification in their pocket. Perhaps one day I'll have as much hair in my ears as on my chin. Perhaps when that time comes I'll rely on a pill to send me into action. Surely time will wear away my ability and stamina. One day I'll be presented with stimulus and my body won't respond. Not because of morals or preference but because I'm old. Then I'll have to stare down the little blue devil and make my choice. Until that day comes I'll march on, a proud waver of the flag, sure in my skills and ability. I'll confront every sexual encounter as a solo artist with no back-up singers to enhance my performance - and I'll smile. The thought behind my smile. I'm gonna sing the hell out of this and when I'm done, I'll have a glass of water and perform an encore.

Whoppings

Because parents and the country are becoming whiney pussies. The art of the beating is going out of style. So I thought I would recount my three best (or worst) beatings.

Surprise!!!

Perhaps some of you enjoyed playing outside as a youngster. Perhaps, occasionally like me, you were given instructions. Well this one day I was told to stay on the block and NOT go into my friend E.J.'s house. Of course as we start playing someone wants to play Punch Out! in E.J.'s house. Of course against better judgement I went in. Oh did we have a ball. I think we got up to Super Macho Man before I realized that I had been in dudes house for quite a while. I decide that I better go home since I lucked up and didn't get caught (my peoples had no problem knocking on doors and bringing you out). As I walk up my steps it struck me as odd that my mother opened up the door. My spidey sense said something was wrong but what could I do. My moms said come on in, in such a plain voice, and WHACK!!! I never saw the belt behind her back. She gave it to me for a good 5 minutes and then let me know that I would be chilling on the front for the rest of the week.


Daddy.

My grandfather was known as Daddy. Mostly cause his kids all called him daddy so grandchildren adopted the term. Daddy only wanted to chill, be left alone and my grandmother to calm down and stop yelling so he could hear the T.V. Daddy was actually the get over. He wasn't supposed to have fried fish so if you went with him on a run he would buy your loyalty with sweets. Anyway Daddy would never discipline he would just yell cause whatever we did had Granny yelling. So one day we were left with Daddy as everyone else was out shopping. Me and my two cousins had a good ole. Yelling, screaming and chasing each other around the house. Jumping up and down on the couch and all sorts of fun stuff. We didn't seem to hear Daddy telling us to settle down. We didn't notice that he was getting upset. We did notice once he pulled out that extension cord...the long orange chumpie people use with lawnmowers. He introduced us to something I call the Three Man Down. That's where all three of us had to drop trow and lay across the couch as he introduced our asses to the extension cord. We learned that day that Daddy was laid back but he did not play.

Three for one.

I have pulled many stunts in my life and done some funny shit. This however is one of my mothers favorite stories to tell. One day, my cousin and I, are playing a game under the table. I can't remember where I got it from but I started pouring battery acid into my cousins hair (she always had thick, long hair after that - I'm just saying). My grandmother walks into the room and starts kirking out. She proceeds to beat me within an inch of my life - #1. I move crying into another room where my aunt is at. She says Rahsaan, what's wrong. My unorganized and hasty response was. "I poured battery acid in Tasha's hair." Should have considered that answer. My aunt proceeds to beat me back from the threshold my grandmother left me at - #2. So I, still crying, go upstairs and into my mothers room. She wakes up and says, "Boy why are you crying?" I, in the midst of sobs begin to tell her the story. My mistake once again was that I did not explain my tears were produced by the two beatings I had just had. Once again I open up with, "I poured battery acid in Tasha's hair." Damn I was a dumb kid. My mother tore into my ass - #3. So I proceed back downstairs trying to cry but a boy can only tear up for so long. My other aunt walks into the house and say's, "Rahsaan, why are you crying?" My response to her? "I'm not telling!" As I ran into the next room crying. I may learn slow but I pick up eventually.


In summary beatings are part of the reason why I still have to build up my courage to say no to my mother. I remind myself, "I'm a grown ass man, and I don't have to do that." In reality you don't even have to beat your children all the time. A well timed beating will allow you to influence your children with piercing looks. Even though I stand over my mother my only experience is with her beating me. If I had no respect I would still have ingrained memories of any altercation being strictly one way. So beat your kids...they'll turn out better for it. Thanks Ma!

Hey Ma! and the story of Squish

You will go to bed.


Desptie my shyt day yesterday, I thought I'd take time out to speak about my Mamma (while I'm considering what to get her for Mother's Day). Ma, as I call her. It does trip me out to think about how people address their mother. I was never the "mommy" type and while I don't think of myself as an "Alpha" male, I do find Ma to be a masculine way to address one's mother. My mother is easily 99% of my source of intelligence, humor and geekiness. I'll say it this way I was in the theater for all the Star Wars movies. The first came out in '77 so I didn't get to see it, but I was present. Because of my mother I have seen hundreds of black and white sci-fi and horror movies. My mother is the reason I started playing Atari and Intellivision and now own a PS2 and an XBox. I started playing as a challenge trying to beat her high scores and kept on till this day. I will say she reverted to Tetris and Bejeweled after a while but recently she picked up one of those plug and play joints so she can rock some Duck Hunt. Like my mother I have a sick sense of humor. One of her favorite things to do was to tickle me (horribly ticklish in my youth). It got so bad that if she just walked into the room I would bust out laughing - my body expecting to be tickled anyway. The most hilarious and long lasting thing she ever did to me was a white lie she told. When we (my cousins and I) were about 6 we had squash for dinner one evening and none of us liked it. In order to get us to eat she told us it wasn't squash, it was his little brother squish. We proceeded to dig in as if the taste had suddenly changed. Anyway, 15 years later and on a vegetarian diet me and my room-mate are in the market getting things to stir-fry and I'm trying to think of vegetables I don't eat much. As we go through the fresh vegetables I suddenly ask " Yo son, where do they keep the squish." He looks at me real funny and I suddenly realize - there is no vegetable called squish. It was all a y'all-gonna-eat-this-damn-food lie. I felt so stupid being that I had never had or heard of squish outside of my house. This is only one of the things my mother has done that has produced a laugh from me and my family or at our expense. When my cousin was graduating from Headstart her class had to recite this poem called black is beautiful. She spent many days trying to memorize it. The last line goes..."in my heart and in my mind black is the color that I find". Well my mother helped my cousin memorize it but she made a slight change to the words. My cousin then took it upon herself to teach her whole class this "edited" version. Suffice it to say none of the parents were too thrilled when the entire Headstart class ended the poem with "In my heart and in my mind, black is the color of my behind." I was quite tickled. Another of my mother's favorite things to do (mine now as well) is to teach children who can't really speak yet how to say: no, don't and stop. There are few things funnier than the frustration from a parent who's child can only say these three words. My mother...the lover of Godzilla movies, Westerns, Star Trek and Star Wars. The source of the geek within me. My mother knew about DVD's when VHS was cool. Her computer would blow away most peoples and if it's tech she knows the deal. The best thing about my mother is how she speaks to children...she always told me that since they are learning you should speak to children the way you want them to speak. Basically if you speak that baby talk that's what children learn. Because of this we've been having an adult conversation since I was 5. The only difference is I'm getting more interesting in the last decade. To my mother who was born the same year as one of her favorite movies came out (War of the Worlds). I tell her an alien invasion could account for some things about her but anyway she's pretty damn cool and I love her. Now if I could just find a gift before sunday...BTW I hope they cook something that day, a brothers doing bad on the food tip this week.

Slap Day

Today sucked...I can't express the horrible feelings of anger and urges to murder that go through my person when my manager is out and I have to go to the managers meeting. This was after an All-Staff meeting that always feels like a math class where the teacher only calls on people with their hands down. I don't have a lot of tolerance for people at the moment. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here, but I have a holiday I want to propose. SLAP DAY. Slap day will quickly become my favorite day of the year (even though I think it really needs to be monthly). Basically on this day you are allowed to slap someone in the back of the head or neck for doing something stupid. You have to explain and prove what they have done and no one can slap for revenge like "I thought it was stupid when he slapped me this month so I slapped him. I think this might curb alot of stupid activities. No one will be exempt either. I have a feeling I'll make a trip to D.C. every slap day and pay G.W. a visit. My other rules are you only get to slap 3 people each day so you have to pick good ones. If the person hits you back the police can be called to restrain them an you are allowed to deliver a slap to the face or a gut punch...as you see fit. If things progress I may not wait for slap day to become offical. I have a nice list of people to slap. If its monthly I might get through my list within two years. Provided G.W. doesn't take one slot every time.

They're here, They're queer and the country squirms.

Black skinned storm troopers or two brothers with black gloves? I'd say the latter but the former was a comment in a newspaper about this scene. This was a horrifying image for a lot of white america at the time.

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From todays political climate you would think this is the new stormtrooper. Now I am a straight man who loves women and doesn't really understand the notion of a dude wanting to wake up next to a body similar to their own. Personally I will take the softness of a young lady anyday. What I don't understand is why the country is so scared of two of these people getting married. I honestly don't care. The way I figure it won't hurt me. Half of the marriages in the country end in divorce anyway if two gay men want to live their life together I could care less. I keep seeing those bumper stickers that say "Marriage = Man + Woman" and they just annoy me. In my opinion Marriage (currently) equals a screwed up man and a delusional woman plus some tax breaks. Instead of not letting gay people get married I think they should make more people who want to get married go to classes or pass a test like for their drivers license. I mean how holy is something you can do in Vegas within 15 minutes while drunk and under the supervision of a guy dressed like Elvis? I have trouble understanding how the fabric of our nation is going to be torn apart because gay people get married. Honestly this is becoming the newest government sanctioned discrimination. I don't understand how this just passes and it's all cool. It actually bothers me because I know when injustice is done to anyone it can easily happen to others. It's like I'm waiting for people to start firebombing gay pride centers of something. There is one issue that makes me think it should be cool. Hospital visits. I imagine some gay person who's family has disowned them dying in the hospital and the only person that gives a damn about them not being able to visit because they are not family. Is the nation going to descend into hell because two dudes get married? I'm know that alot of the same people who are against gay marriage cross the street when I'm coming and hit store alarms when I walk in. I've even heard people saying that liberals have to be tolerant of those who don't agree with gay marriage. We now have to be tolerant of intolerance? I say if we let stupid people get married we should let gay people do the same. You have to pass a test to drive but they'll let any two morons get married and have kids.

Moving Preparations

So having a ANOTHER roommate has brought about a whole new set of problems. Before there is any question as to why there is another person in the house let me just offer this suggestion: Don't rent from family!!! Anyway these are the current problems.

1. This dude is too cold. Leaving heaters running while he's gone and I woke up hot this morning to find the oven open and on. I'm upstairs, you stay in the basement and heat rises! Plus it's May...it's fricking May! Toughen up nancy-boy. I'll also mention I now feel like someones grandmother and everything anyone does makes my bills go up.
   
2. Porno at 8:00 in the morning. Now I understand that people watch porn. I won't knock that, but I don't want to hear porno as I lean sleepy-eyed over my percolating coffee. Plus anyone who is watching porn first thing in the morning...I mean c'mon.
   
3. Noises. I will admit that when I watch say - football for instance I may get excited. This dude however must be very excitable. Too much noise. Yawning, yelling, yapping and so forth. This is with movies, sporting events and I think even with books.
   
4. It's another man in the house. As of the bill status, I am the Primary Stockholder. I could restructure things but since it's in my name I don't want to wait on anyone when I'm ready to pay bills and I want that control because *ahem* "I pay most of the bills up in here!". Two men of a certain age who are not good friends should not live together. It's a power thing. A man wants to run things and no man wants to give up his footing. I know I won't.
   

When this first went down I told myself to not be so resistant that I don't give the guy a chance. I realize now that I don't care about that. I'm at an age where I need to really care about my life. It's not selfish because I just can't live as I have in the past and I need to live better in my future. I want to be in a place that if I should for instance, get someone pregnant that my only concern would be what the woman wants to do and if she wants to move in with me. I don't want to have to think about needing to move myself. I'm not set where I'm at and that produces the type of discomfort that I cannot and will not abide. It starts with me laying down the law of the land and it ends with me moving into a house I have purchased. I need roots and wings. Right now I'm planted in a small pot, housed in a little cage and I'm not singing.