The Beast from the East Posts from the West Coast

I am loving the fact that this morning I was chilly and it was dark outside with some clouds and now I'm in 70 degree weather with not a cloud in sight. I am making a list of people to call and make fun of because they are still at work and things of that nature. I love B-more, I dig New York, but I am loving Cali right now. I will say I am under the Euphoria that comes from not being at work on a work day.l Once that subsides then I can slide fully into the "I'm in another town pleasantness. If there is anything negative it is this...long flights suck. My knees are killing me. I made a mental not to always recline my chair slowly out of courtesy to those behind me. At the moment not being at work and being on another coast is a good way to numb my soreness. I'll hit back when I have some substance. For now I have people on the east coast to bother then I'll begin my west coast adventures.

Leeeaving

Now I wait. It's customary that some sort of drama happens at work right before I take time off. Yesterday there was an issue that came up but it did not last that long. I know that it is coming and at this point I don't even bother to speculate on what may happen. I am surfing. Whatever wave comes I will ride it out until 5:00 and then I'm untouchable. A tsunami won't stop me from making it out of this town. I am blind to any issue that cannot be resolved today. The Modus Operandi for today - my name is Paul and that's between ya'll. I have a bag to pack and a driver to get up with and I am out. Now I hope I can remember how to drive a stick, cause if so I will be able to hold the car of the person I am staying with. If you want to see something funny look here..."TSA". I would like to know why I can't put a lighter in my checked bag but I can put a "firearm" in there. Homeland Security must be on crack.

Clockwatching

Ah yes, I am once again suffering through my late night at work. 11 to 7 sounds good but once 5 hits my whole person wants to leave the office. The bonus is I get to update my blog. The bad part is...it's 5:49 right now. I should be at home watching P.T.I. and formulating some idea of what I am going to eat. Second bonus is I'm going to San Diego Thursday so I won't be doing a late night next monday. Hell, I won't be working again until next friday. Vacation time is a beautiful thing. I usually don't use my time. I always wait for three day weekends and take two days worth of comp or sick (hooray for mental health days!) time. Rule # 184 - Companies often cash out vacation time when you leave or are fired. Always keep at least 40 hours. Along with last pay it's a nice cushion or if you have another job, it's an excuse to spend some money on yourself I have about 120 hours right now. The best thing about this trip is I'm staying with someone. Instant access to clubs and no paying for a hotel. Plus I'm automatically injected into a group so I don't have to find people. The only negative thing I can think of is she didn't have a T.V. when she lived here so if she is at work I may end up in ESPN zone just so I can catch...ESPN. Hopefully she'll have a friend with cable who is instantly smitten with me. Well the other negative thing is no car. I always miss driving, even if I don't need to. Ah well....debauchery on another coast....yaaaaaaayyyy.

M.Night

So I watched The Village last night and I dug it. I know it was the least liked movie by M.Night Shyamalan to date but I have a theory about that. I call this the "Kanye West" Theory. See, I have been an Emcee for years. I have never resembled anything you hear on the radio now. Unless Common is getting play, but I digress. I was always more creative and I had too much on my mind to be...shallow. Cat's actually called my Theasaurus Boy cause even at my most simplistic I always used a lot of different words. I have been received by many but there are always those who don't like to feel like you have critiqued them. Kanye West taught me that you can say anything and people will accept if you use "me". He spoke about alot of things that go on in black communities from the perspective of him doing it. This allowed people to accept it because they had to admit to themselves that they do the same thing instead of having it pointed out. I see the Village as the "pointing out parents movie". I remember critic having a problem with Signs because of the way the aliens looked when the aliens themselves were not the real point of the movie. Just as with Unbreakable the dude was a superhero but the point was not so much focusing on him having cool powers but focusing on his other internal things. It kills me to think that M.Night puts out another film and everyone is surprised that there are no monsters. The point was the real monsters are us. The restrictions we impose and the secrets we keep. The way we let fear rule our lives and how we pass it on to our children and even shape their lives with it. We almost always try to justify it by saying we wanted to protect someone. I wrote this in a rhyme once and I think it is relevant here: "Truth in your heart when it gets stuck in your windpipe/Blocked by good intentions so it never see's the daylight/...Leaving things unsaid to spare someone else/Under a guise of kindness you're only sparing yourself"

The Village to me was an example that we always look to something ugly and scary outside of ourselves to hurt us when the worst things come of what we do to ourselves and others.

Uncomfortable

So I go out tuesday night to my spot "Organic Soul Tuesdays" and everything is cool. I didn't pay to get in. I got to perform, mad props all around. I saw alot of people that I had not seen in a while. My performance wasn't the best but I still rock. Then I noticed someone, I think. My ex walked in. She didn't see me and we didn't speak. I felt real uncomfortable cause I never took her there. I always hated when you take someone somewhere and after you're not together they bring people to the place you took them. I know I can't claim it as mine, but no one wants their ex up in the place where they chill. This is my Cheers. The opportunity is there to shine in front of an ex. You know to look good and demonstrate your excellence on someone who no longer believes in you. I just don't like the thought of having an ex chilling in my spot. Now she is target to join into the ex-pool. The pool where people you know start dating people you used to date. It's akward cause I have never had someone from my past become a new entry into the pool. I will get over it because I have a tendency to write people off and turn them into nothing in my mind. It does suck for now though. Dammit...I don't care how many people live here, Baltimore is a small place.

Guns don't kill people roommates do or Public Housing Chapter 2

I will keep telling myself that this cannot last forever. I just hope that I am right. In the spirit of fairness I will say I am not the best person to live with. I work with people.......allllll day. When I go home I do not always feel like conversation...in any form. This means that when you start talking to me about your boyfriend and how you think your father butts in on the raising of your child, I will not provide those comforting responses you were seeking. Partially because I agree with your father and partially because I spend my whole day chasing after people to convince them to do what they should be doing for themselves anyway. In turn I have low tolerance for silly nonsense. For instance...I have no mop. There once was a mop in the house but after spilling some Orange strawberry banana juice, I discovered the mop is gone. Where does a person take a mop? Why does a person take a mop? My amazing deductive reasoning is still working on that one. I do have a new complaint...actually I discovered this with my last girlfriend...womens hair and the drain in the tub do not mix. I have locks, this means that I do lose hairs but they are usually short ones and they usually curl up and wash away down the drain. When women have straight (or straightened) hair that is longer than 3 inches there is the strong possibility that it may build up in the drain. This becomes nasty. Of course it could happen to anyone, but pulling hair tat is not yours out of the drain sucks. Drain hair may not be the worst thing in the world but the sight of it is not pleasant. Not last, but and not least...washrags. If you have not read my...insanity, then you don't know that I never leave two washrags in the bathroom at the same time. New one in, old one out. Everyone does not feel this way. Suffice to say that was...dismayed to deal with four (4, IV, quatro, quatre) washrags on my sink. Keep in mind that over the sink I brush my teeth. Know also that these were 4 used washrags. Used washrags often carry...odors. So I conducted an experiment. Let us discover how long one would be willing to leave their dirty funky rags laying around unused. Two months and a week. What the fuck. I think this says it all. If you know of any homes for sale I am interested.

Public Housing 1st Chapter

I came downstairs yesterday and I caught a wide-eyed stare for the entire time I was in view so today I present more reasons to live alone and more reasons why my houseguest sucks.

When I lived alone I could:

• Randomly invite people to my house knowing it remained as I left it.
  
• Get up and turn on ESPN and go make coffee without putting any clothes on.
  
• Go to the bathroom when I pleased.
  
• Be assured that things were clean.
  
• Come home to no surprises.
  
• Know how much sugar/springwater I have.
  

I will say this...helping family is a worthy cause. Just don't expect too much from them.

Ex. 1 I own a Ps2 and an Xbox. At the moment I'm not sure what Ps2 games I own because my cousin (the 10 year old son) dipped with some of them -without asking. I hadn't played them in a while but I knew what I had. Now I look at my shelf and try to recall exactly which titles to tell him he needs to return. Luckily he takes the books out of the case and leaves them strewn about so at least I have clues to follow.

Ex:2 It sucks when you are a budgeter like me and have to account for someone else. When I say budgeter I don't mean moneywise. I mean the item budget: a 2.5 gallon bottle of springwater can make enough coffee to last an entire pay period and a couple days extra. It sucks when I run out and have some one say they'll replace it only to be greeted (several days later) with a bottle of like "Backstreet Springwater". That is not what I had...dammit. Coffee snobs need brand name water for their bold french roast self-ground beans...dammit.

Ex3: I'll just say the bathroom is a sacred place and should be treated as such and I'll demonstrate this in a semi-haiku form.

All adults don't flush
little boys often miss
Feel free to use my Incense

Ex: 4 Men don't like to come into a house where they pay the bills to find a strange man laid up on the couch watching the directv which constitues one of those bills. Maybe it's primordial and if so hooray for troglodytes. It's like how the son doesn't get to sit in the fathers chair. Something...whatever. The important thing is. GET UP YOU UNFAMILIAR MOTHERFUCKER. The one who pays bills just walked in.

Ex: 5 I don't eat pork or beef. If you do then the rule is...do not leave pork or beef grease in my kitchen in any form. As a matter of fact. No grease. All grease should leave the kitchen at the same time as the person who caused it.

Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean.

Room-mate

So my cousin and her 10 year son have been staying with me since the end of the summer. Because of my lack of a working furnace she hasn't spent many nights at the house during the winter. Last night she came in and spent the night. First I will say I love living alone. If you live alone don't take on a roomie unless they are someone you are engaged to. STAY ALONE! Anyway she is older than me (30) but you wouldn't know it. This is the piss-me-off move. I won't get into all of the annoying things that have gone on (there are alot), but this is one I need to mention. She goes into the bathroom before me this morning (another annoying thing - I never want to have to wait). She leaves out of the house before I go into the bathroom. I go in and there are two rags, one on and the other in the sink. Perhaps I'll put up the previous rag/sink story at another time. Anyway I notice her rag is on the sink (which I fucking hate - nasty), then I notice a rag of mine is in the sink. Let me elaborate - I used rag of mine, which was on the bathtub, out of the way- is in the sink. Both rags are wet. The first thought through my head was did she use my fucking rag?!?!? Then I thought maybe she was about to and then did not. Then I thought, you never make that mistake. I never grab a USED rag that is not mine. I know where I put my rag at - everytime. What's worse is she already had left a rag in the bathroom from a week ago when she last came by. As a rule if I have a used rag and intend to use a new one the old one goes into the hamper. It's like the Thunderdome - two men enter, one man leave. So actually today there were 3 used rags in the bathroom. Needless to say I (gripping by the dry corner) tossed my (used) rag into the hamper and procured a new one. I can't help but obsess over who would use another persons wash rag. After that the towel I had in the bathroom was suspect. One day I will illustrate the many annoyances that I have endured by looking out for family. I will say the biggest one is she usually leaves before I get to mention what last annoyed me and then is gone so long all the fire is gone from my argument. I recommend no room-mates.

Non-profit fun

Today I got to kick in a door. I think this is like the third time I've done this and all of them have been at work. I will admit having done it I can say this is one of the best feelings you can get without a substance. See here at our lovely non-profit sometimes people (clients) lock doors that should not be. Today it happened that my boss pulled her door shut and before she could stop it from closing realized that her keys were on her desk and the knob was locked. BTW...reason number 13 why I have a key ring that attaches to a loop in my pants. Most of the other are my paranoia cause I still check for my keys 3 times a day. Anyhoo, she goes to our parent organization to get a copy of the spare which they say they don't have. This is false because when I was in charge when she was on maternity leave and I had to get the spare from them twice (damn parent organization). I got some tools from the car but because of the frame on the outside I couldn't access the bolt. Paperclips are also not good to pick locks with, they bend too easily. The door did have some give but it wouldn't open. Ahhhhh, another chance for one of my favorite activities. The trick is to line your foot up directly above the knob. Our doors are...cheap. So if you move to far away it its possible to put a hole in the door and not get it open. Position your body so if you stretch your leg it will be at least a foot into the room in question. Then kick through, the "through" part is important. If you just kick the door or kick at it you're setting yourself up for failure and a possible injury. I only regret that I'm not angry because this could be a great stress reliever. I wonder can I put this on my resume, by now I'm pretty fluid with it. I'm also don't come off as too eager, I exhaust all options before kicking the damn thing in. If you have a chance I recommend taking it.

Feminization

So I'm in my office and this guy starts fussing with his girlfriend (both have come to attend class). My supervisor pulls him into my office and is trying to delve into the issue. From where I stand his girlfriend is the antagonist. She initiated the disagreement and got mad when he responded with a similar comment to hers. He asked why they were fussing about two other people. She stayed angry...confusion reigned from there. So my boss is basically asking what's his problem. He says- "she disrespected me by calling me a bitch, I never called her out of her name." He indicates that she fusses with him alot and he tries to avoid it. He also says they are getting to old to continue in such a manner. My boss says, "Well perhaps you could keep something handy, like some roses or something." I chime in like yo, that's a bribe, your telling him to bribe her. Basically I don't understand the mindstate that some women try to put men in by saying- just make her happy. Especially if the woman in question caused the drama. I consider this like having a child that is kirking out on you and you just do something to appease them. I refuse to just placate someone. I never went for that the-guy-must-be-wrong-just-apologize-and-move-on. I want to work stuff out and agree or not. I can't stand when people say just apologize. I'm not here to make people feel right or good, I'm here to do what's right and/or good. Plus it's a woman telling this to a young guy. When she asked my opinion I ruined the whole thing cause I was on his side. Why is the world trying to feminize men? What is the value in making men other than they are? I think there is a reason that the genders are different and we benefit from those differences. Anyway I wouldn't be interested in someone who is just like me. What would I learn? Let men be men and women be women. At the same time let logic be logic. I remember when this girl left me and I was talking about it with some sisters and they suggested that I had not spent enough time with her. My response was If I'm not with her, we (me and her) are together with our friends and the rest of the time I'm at work. I realized that I wasn't spending any time by myself at the time. Their suggestion was that I should make more time for her. HUH? 1/3 with her, 1/3 with her and friends, 1/3 at work. None of these women suggested that maybe she was needy. I know that all women don't JUST back up other women but it's programmed in enough that dudes want to give you similar advice. BTW I'm not one of those dudes who will ever sleep on the couch cause the wife is mad. We either make up or sleep together mad. If you're too mad to be around me...the couch is always open.

OUT

I went out last night to a poetry spot that I had never been to before. I gotta say, it felt alright. Perhaps I'm no longer suffering from anhedonia, perhaps all the people there just didn't know me. Of course there were some poets and performers that I knew but not the "crowd". I grew quite tired of the sense of familiarity that a lot of people felt they had with me. It got to the point that no matter what I did everyone loved it and I hate that. I need a measuring stick sometimes and when people treat you like a brand name (everything you produce is good...cause it's you) you can't get that measure. I started to feel like if I got on stage and just said "Yadda yadda yadda" for 3 mins people would just think it was artisitic. I want people to demand content. I can't stand a complacent audience. I used to joke that the next time a performer asks the crowd if it's alright for them to do something, someone would shout "hell no". Audiences around the world demand more. The other good thing about not going out for a moment is that now there are women I don't recognize. I usually imagine that whatever you do with someone they've already done with others...several times, however, it's akward when you personally know those others. No matter what anyone thinks, Baltimore is a small town. It's hard to find large groups of people who are not associated with those you know. The good thing is I can get info on just about anyone. If you attend a spot on the reg or I can find out what street you live or grew up on I can get info. I can't front it makes me feel like a cool movie character. Well I am a cool...character.

Dream #....something

For those who no longer wish to read the details of my dreams...tough. I gotta write them down and this is the best place.

Anyway At the begining of my dream I'm pleasuring this girl and I mean pleasuring. We did not have intercourse and everything I did was something to pleasure her. No reciprocity in this dream. At first I'm just doing this and I'm not sure who the girl is. By the feel of her body I begin to realize she is young, at least younger than me. Than it hits me...this girl is Yodit. As soon as I realize this my dream shifts to a school event. It wasn't a reunion but she was there, my main man was there and whole bunch of kids that seemed like they were still in school. The room was noisy and there was a lot of activity. My man leaves the room and I begin to realize that Yodit is no longer there either. There is a dialog going on about the state of youth and every time I try to speak I start losing my voice or just being overtaken by the noise the young cats are making. Then my man comes in and he is high. All the kids notice and focus attention on him. At the same time someone else I know comes by (I can't remember who it was) and my friend asks him can he hit his drink. Dude walks in with a brown bag and starts talking in a thick african accent offering his goods. My friend takes some and then turns and says we should leave. I feel I have a responsibility here and tell him no. He looks at me like "whatever" and leaves the room. I continue trying to speak on the subject at hand and no one is paying attention. Then this lady with green hair (BTW reminds me of and makes me want to see The Boy with Green Hair again) speaks up and says something I totally disagree with and have the perfect answer to. She then looks straight at me and asks what I think. I begin to go into one of my most pertinent descriptions of the current situation and she even starts ignoring me, eventually focusing on something outside of the room and then just walks out. I am utterly frustrated now and deceide it's time to go. Next I'm walking into this apartment and lo an behold it belongs to Yodit. I'm thinking we will get to talk about what happened earlier between us when she starts urging me to change my clothes and leave because she has to go to a few different places. I'm utterly hurt, I keep thinking was I used or something? Is she going to keep avoiding me? Then I wake up (with 10 mins left until I should be at work) with the urge to see her. Perhaps my dream is telling me to avoid her and that I'd only end up feeling like I'm chasing her again. Still, I do want to see her and I know for a fact that she is feeling like I'm shitting on her by not calling but I don't have her number any more. So sad...too bad.

Character Assasination

I have this saying that I have been using for the past few years and the media and this country as a whole should learn it. "What is it when a liar tells the truth?" The populace has some bad habits. When someone who is a "hero" or role model does something wrong we tend to tear down everything they ever built and cast it into a tainted light. When a person has been "bad" we tend to disregard anything that they say. My problem is I don't care about the nonsense. I know that there are things about me that I need to change, this does not mean that until I improve myself I have nothing of value to offer. On the other hand if everyone loves me and I do something wrong it doesn't mean you should disregard all the good that I have done. No one is perfect so in any situation you have to strive to extract the good from people. If Bill Cosby has cheated on his wife it doesn't make me hate the Cosby Show or Fat Albert. These were things he produced and they were enjoyable and had some good messages. This attitude is the embodiment of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. We want anyone who does anything good to be perfect and when they prove to be human we can't handle it and disregard all that they have done. On the other hand we have examples like Jose Canseco. He probably needs or wants money and he admits to introducing alot of guys to steroids, however, none of this gives him any reason to lie. It makes him a valid source of info as all he has to do is talk about what he knows. Not to mention the fact that he wants to strike out a baseball and as a person who participated in the depths of it's crud all he has to do is be honest. If a liar tells the truth it's still the truth. If I needed people who give me positive information to be pure and true, then I could only believe God and he would have to part a sea or something so I would know it was him. You can find a good line in crappy movie and a bad actor in a good one. When a vegatable starts to go bad I have to choices. I can determine if it's still at a point where I can cut the bad part off and depend on the powers of heat and prayer to protect me, or I can toss the whole thing instantly. People in my situation check to make sure. Perhaps if the world lived like a bachelor we'd all be better off.

Race Card

I keep hearing people talking about someone "playing the race card". The problem I have is it's always a white guy talking about some one non-white. I am in no way biased against any race. My theory is jerks abound, come in all colors and have at the moment there is no product to repel them. The thing is if you aren't a minority you don't understand the treatment one can receive. Folks may say well I was discriminated against once, but that's not what matters. Even large examples of discrimination don't matter as much. It's the subtle ones. The examples you tend to accept, those that are less bitter that build up into large glaring proof. The weary eye that I have for the police as a result of several things that have happened to myself and others. The fact that until the last 5 years it was hard as hell to get a job if you had locks or a bush or anything besides a low-cut. The way security guards eye you, even the way some security guards greet you to kind of say " I'm not on that stupid "watch-the-blackman-shit". For instance: me and my friends, enroute to spend my tax cash, stop at Starbucks. The guy behind the counter seems apprehensive. As we are leaving the cops are coming in and one of my friends goes back to buy a newspaper. He comes back out to let us know that the cops were getting on the guy because he hit the alarm when we walked in the store without reason. We don't go back to make a big deal, we just laugh at him getting ripped as we proceed with our day. It's not so much that this type of thing could happen, but that it happens often enough that we begin to expect it's a possiblity in certain areas. It's like an ex-con expecting that he may not get a job or that he may be look at with suspicion. Except there is no prior crime. Far be it from me to think that a white person has never been treated in a racist manner. The issue here is that they don't have that expectation in the back of their mind. When things cause concern and alarm people consider them an issue, but by that time we're just reacting. The big problems are like asbestos exposure as oppossed to gas leaks. A gas leak will eventually cause an explosion and an explosion causes instant damage and death. Asbestos will kill you but not quickly, it corrupts you and eats away at you until you just can't live anymore. That's really tragic. Society sees things like affirmative action as big steps forward. What ever steps the law makes cannot change the opinions of people and that's what matters. I used to say I don't care what people think. I've realized that though I can't let what people think bother me, it will affect me. That's the problem. The problem is those who I should gain knowledge and learn my history from possess a reality/media generated fear of me, even though I personally don't warrant it. That is the race card and those that experience it don't need it to be pulled because it gets thrown into your face.